After being married for a year, I guess the "honeymoon" is typically supposed to be over. However, when we were dating, he asked me one day "do you think it will always be like this? Or do you think we will eventually be like everyone else?" My response was...."it will ALWAYS be like this, I promise." For one, there is no possible way we could be like everyone else even if we tried. We're just to different, our relationship and dynamics are very, very rare. Second, I had a marriage like everyone else once....and it was miserable and ended badly. It was boring and predictable, ritualistic and non-intimate. It required entirely to much effort to even remain sane, much less happy. I refuse to do that again. I refuse to give all of myself, to the point of losing sight of who I am as an individual, for someone who clearly isn't willing to give any of themselves back to me. I refuse to raise children with someone that expects me to be the only active parent. I refuse to let myself go and pretend to be attracted to an out of shape, overweight version of the man that once turned me on. I refuse to let myself forget how to kiss and refuse to have sex out of obligation (because it's my duty as his wife, nope). I choose love. I choose laughter. I choose intimacy. I choose fairy tale. I choose a happy, healthy life with my husband.
I've always been told, marriage is hard....it requires a lot of work and compromise. I've always heard, you won't always be in love with the person, so you have to learn to like them...whether the love part is there at the moment or not. I've seen people go to counseling. I've seen people question every move the other makes. I've known people that dread any sort of physical contact, with their spouse, whatsoever. You chose them, you loved them, you have to make up your mind that it's going to work....otherwise, go ahead and get an attorney because it's not going to last. I decided very early on in our relationship, that I wanted him. I decided that I wanted to be happy with him, for the rest of my life. With that being said, let me tell you how I have kept the honeymoon on going, and how I will continue to for the rest of our happy, fairy tale, lives together.
First off....life isn't perfect, people can't be perfect, anytime you have ex's involved, your situation will never be perfect. Don't blame your spouse for things that happen in your life that cannot be controlled. Example: Say he gets laid off from his job. Not his fault, the economy is poor, unemployment is up and sometimes life just isn't fair. DO NOT get angry with him, love each other through it and hold tighter to him than normal. My husband pays out a ridiculous amount of alimony and child support to his ex. The judge ruled poorly against him, it's an unfair situation that he had no control over. I will not hold this over his head when our finances are in the negative, because two wrongs do not make a right, and degrading his worth will not solve anything, but rather drive a wedge right down the middle of our marriage.
Second.....do not focus on things your spouse doesn't do for you, but rather what they do, do for you. My husband is horrible with birthdays and anniversaries and special dates....he will remember, he just won't remember to get anything or acknowledge it. However, on almost a daily basis he does other things that mean more than a card on our anniversary. The other day he changed the sheets on the bed and made the bed up all pretty, placing a rose on my pillow. He brings home home-decor books from home depot for me when he goes, because he knows I love to look through them. He bought a pitcher and wine glasses in the color of my kitchen for me one day to place on my shelf. He sends me random texts telling me he loves me and he's the luckiest man in the world. He comes home and puts his arms around me EVERY single day! Those things mean more to me than any thing he could do. Focus on those things.
Third....focus on their worth as an individual, and who they are as a person, rather than who you want them to be. Just like you are you, they are themselves. Just like you do not want to be changed for anyone, neither do they. My husband gets so upset at the slightest little things....he is Italian, I guess it just comes natural....lots of drama around small situations. I could very easily say, nope, it's just to much, it stresses me out and I give up. Instead, I embrace his passion for things and am thankful he isn't just a totem pole of a man with zero emotion or feeling. I love how he talks to our dogs like a mush, and thinks they need a dog cookie every time they come inside. I love who he is, and all of the little things that get over looked, that make him who he is. How he rubs his fingers like he has something on them when he eats....love. How he loves sweets and almost dies every time I make a dessert....love. Love them for them, not for you.
Fourth...pray for them always, but mostly when you are mad. You always need to pray for your spouse. Pray for God to give them strength to make the right decisions, pray for health, pray for positive thoughts and positive things to happen to them. Pray that you be what they need you to be at certain points in their life. But even more than any of this, pray for them when you are mad at them. I adore my husband and we rarely argue, but it does happen sometimes....I just want to tell him how stupid he is and how much I want to smack his stupid face and that he needs to stay on his side of the bed and not touch me. I found that it makes everything better though, when I don't tell him those things, but rather tell God. God is very understanding, and it's okay and allowed to vent to Him sometimes. I tell Him what bothered me and that I want to smack my husbands big stupid face. I also pray that we resolve it quickly and that He give me the words to talk to my husband with love, rather than anger and name calling. My daddy always said "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." Don't speak, until you can speak kindly. Words are like brain ninjas and will mess you up.
Fifth....look at them, really look at them. I wake up every single morning and look at my husband. I see the hairs that are starting to turn grey, and the laugh lines that might not have been there a year or so ago. I look at how his hand still is holding mine, even after sleeping all night. When I get up and get ready, while in the closet I look at his clothes. I see the pants he wears to work everyday and see the rips and tears from manual labor. I see the shirts covered in paint. I see the shirts he has had for years that are stretched out and stained, yet he never asks for more. I see the shoes that go on his feet everyday as he works for us. I see the towel hanging on the shower door that he uses over and over and over, so I don't get stuck with a lot of bulky laundry. Walking through the house I notice he places his keys in the same spot, on the chest in the entryway. I notice he places his jacket on the same chair in the dining room. Pay attention and notice the details that make up your spouse.
Lastly....do for them. Be a servant of sorts for your spouse. Wash their clothes and just like above, notice the wear and tear due to manual labor. Cook for them and know they are getting a warm healthy meal. Make up the bed, because the marriage bed is the most important piece of furniture in the household. This is the place where you talk and think, plan and dream, laugh and cry, love and hold each other....make it up and make it pretty. Sweep the floors so they can take their shoes off after a long day and walk barefoot. Buy them gifts, to let them know you were thinking of them while getting toothpaste and Scrubbing Bubbles. Do for them and be happy about it. Smile and make it real.
I like to think about where he learned to do certain things or why certain habits formed, sometimes. I like to think of the little boy he started out as and what things have changed inwardly on him since. I am not a perfect person or wife, nor is he a perfect man or husband, but we are trying, and we will continue to try everyday for the rest of our lives. I love my husband more now than I did this morning, and will love him even more by this afternoon. It's a decision...I choose to be crazy in love with my husband and have a fairy tale, forever honeymoon marriage. I choose to show people how wonderful marriage can be. I choose to make this last. It's not a job, it's not work, it's a frame of mind. It's a beautiful frame of mind.
Wish I knew all this
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