I have seen so many posts recently on bullying in schools. The news has covered reports probably once a month on the so called "bullying" epidemic. There are fundraisers and support numbers, there are counselors ready and waiting and people rallying together to cure the "disease". I don't mean to piss anyone off, but this isn't new. Everyone knows that right? I mean, I can remember kids being mean to me in school. In fact, I am very short and the short jokes were never ending. I was a late bloomer for a girl and my mother wouldn't let me start shaving my legs until Junior High School. Mosquito bite and cave girl were written on my papers on a daily basis. I never thought of it as bullying. I still don't. I think kids are mean. I think some kids in particular feel the need to point out negative things about you, to take the negative attention off of themselves. It happens in school, in the workforce, in Church, in life....it happens. People, for the most part, aren't intentionally cruel, but we all have days right? I think it should be our goal as parents to raise our kids to have backbones, not to play victim. We shouldn't pat our children on the back and place blame on everyone else....because quite frankly that is what's wrong with our younger generations today....they are petted, they are victims, they place blame, they are pitiful, they are also worthless.
When I was younger, I never remember the word "bully" coming up in conversation, because I knew the kids that were making fun of me were just jerks. It didn't lessen my self worth any. I didn't look at myself in the mirror for long hours and try to fix what was pointed out to be wrong. I didn't even think about it. "Ashley, Ashley....mosquito bite bashley", then I would tell them to kiss my butt, and go about my day. I never wasted one second on it. I realize people have different personalities and someone else may have taken this to heart. I also understand that self worth, a lot of times, is an environmental effect on your personality....meaning I was raised in a healthy, happy home. Not everyone has that atmosphere and it directly effects their attitudes towards themselves (WHICH IS THE KEY PROBLEM HERE). Suicide rates have sky rocketed. Adolescent depression is off the charts. Children are taking Xanax and still not coping. However, the bullying hasn't changed. Our parenting has changed. Our parenting is the issue. We are raising our kids (repeating myself) to be the victim. We are raising them to be to emotional. Children need to understand that the world isn't rainbows and butterflies all of the time. It's not always a trophy and a pat on the back for a piss poor attitude and lack of effort. It's not always in your favor. You aren't always perfect. Sometimes you suck at stuff. Sometimes you do look terrible. And sometimes people are mean. This doesn't mean that you are worthless. This means you are human. It doesn't mean you will suck at everything you try. It means you suck at playing the piano (example). It doesn't mean you are ugly. It means you put in no effort and expected to look like Cindy Crawford (don't we all). It means you need to try a little harder and prove that you CAN do something.
We are creating a generation that thinks they will be rewarded for very little effort/showing up. That believes if someone confronts them about something, they are automatically being bullied. They cannot handle confrontation, they cannot handle conversation, they cannot handle being coached/educated/parented/etc. WE, as parents, are failing our kids.
I have a strong personality....not in an overbearing way (I hope not), but in an "I am woman, hear me roar" way. I can handle my stuff. I can hold my own in basically any situation. I might not like it, and I might complain, but I will deal. It's not that I don't like people that lack motivation and drive, it's that I don't understand them. I honestly, don't get it. As long as I can remember, I have been this way. Again, probably because I have strong, successful parents, but this is how I am nonetheless. I am raising my daughter to understand that people can be jerks and it shouldn't affect how you see yourself. I am raising my daughter to be able to know the difference of when she should stand up for herself and when she should walk away. I am raising my daughter to understand if you don't practice the speech, you probably won't win the speech contest and if you cry about losing, you will be punished. I am raising my daughter to have good work ethic, to be caring and understanding, to be confident but humble....I AM RAISING MY DAUGHTER TO BE A KICK ASS ADULT. That's our goal as parents, right? We aren't raising children, we are raising adults. How would you treat that ten year old that's pitching a fit about not getting his way if he was 20? I realize it's not the same, but you have to bear in mind if we are gentle and easy and rewarding negative behavior, we are training their adult minds to believe and expect the same treatment. They will learn that they can stomp their feet and cross their arms and get a promotion, without ever putting in the work. They will think that if their boss tells them they are being lazy, they are being bullied in the workplace...next thing you know there is a lawsuit and they are being rewarded for being lazy. It's a cycle. Can it end please? I'm tired.
Friday, July 1, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
Rain, Rain, Go Away.
It's raining here in Tennessee this morning. I always get super emo and thoughtful on rainy days. I am definitely one of those people that the weather affects their moods. Sunshine makes me happy, rain makes me think about life, storms make me want to stand on the porch and throw my arms open wide and scream......I guess I've been like that my entire life. Anyway, back to what I was saying.....
I think a lot on rainy days. My mind can't help it, it wanders away from me, into dark, damp places in the back of my mind that I keep hidden when the sunshine is out. This morning is no different. However, I realized something about myself today....although I'm thoughtful, my thoughts are more controlled and more cheerful. I tend to reflect instead of dwell. I reminisce instead of regret. And today I was reflecting on what brought about this change in thought, or when did this change occur.
I happened to remember something else too, because that's what I do on rainy days is think and remember.....I remembered starting a blog in 2010 titled "Gracefully Learning" and the entire premise of this blog was to change my way of thinking and my way of life. I was living in constant turmoil, whether it be against myself, my parents, my job, my boyfriend at the time.....mostly it was about how I was living though. I only posted two posts on that blog, because my mind was all over the place and couldn't stay focused on one subject long enough to be worthwhile. However, I found it and read those two posts this morning. Let me share the first post.......
" So I decided something today, or yesterday, or maybe years ago, but I decided I need peace. Who doesn't want peace right? I feel as if I have been working against myself at obtaining this for awhile now. I have been struggling trying to find a better job, trying to get that house that I want, trying to find the perfect man. I have yet to sit still and allow myself to breathe. I have been searching for financial peace, spiritual peace, social peace, and any other kind available. In searching, I have missed so much. I have missed time with Grace, rest, trips and friendships. I have been stressed, broke and flat out mental. I quit! And in saying that I realize it sounds as if I am quitting life, or am going to quit trying. I simply am quitting the search.
The definition of peace is......
1. (noun) peace
the state prevailing during the absence of war
2. (noun) peace
harmonious relations; freedom from disputes
"the roommates lived in peace together"
3. (noun) peace, peacefulness, peace of mind, repose, serenity, heartsease, ataraxis
the absence of mental stress or anxiety
My favorite is the first definition, the state prevailing during the absence of war. I feel as if the last seven years of my life have been all out war, and I, in the front line, have simply been trying to survive. So I have come up with a plan. Instead of searching for peace, solitude and stillness, I am going to learn it. I am going to teach myself how to be still and enjoy life, not just my life, but all life. Starting today I am going to change my life, goals, perceptions and expectations of everything. Starting today I will hopefully be on my way to learning peace.
Every month I will give up one thing; This maybe toxic food, technology, shopping, bad relationships, etc., really anything that might cloud my mind and allow negativity into my life. I will then replace it with something I enjoy that will help me grow as a person, bring long lasting happiness, or be an instrument in my twelve month cleanse of the American Dream. Or just something I have always wanted to do. Examples are learning new hobbies that involve God, nature, or actual physical activities, trips, volunteering, new ways of doing everyday things. On my way trough this next year of exploration, studying, sacrificing, and pretty much experimentation, I hope to grow a deeper connection and understanding with the life I have been blessed with. I spiritually want to grow as close as possible with God through prayer, but also through learning the world around us, and the affects I as an individual have on the grand scheme of things. I want to find the beauty in the Earth God has created for us, and attempt to slowly transform my life to live the way He intended. This is going to be a slow, long, and trying process. Gotta start somewhere though, right? "
This was such a refreshing treasure to find, because I'll tell you....I have stuck with this. Since 2010 I have completely quit all drinks with sugar in them (even juices), it's water, unsweetened tea or black coffee. I try to eat as many good fats and whole foods as possible. Not only have I become more wise about eating, but I have become more conscious about my actions. I try to speak intentionally. I try to react to things with grace. I have picked up yoga. I have picked up school. I fell in love and married. I am more patient and kind. I have focused on certain relationships that lacked in the past, and nourished them. I have poured myself into my marriage and my role as Gracie's mother. I have quit standing on the side lines waiting for the coach to put me in and me make the winning touchdown and live happily ever after. I have learned that it takes practice and training and persistence. Life is not hard most of the time. There is not constant turmoil. Love and marriage is actually quite easy if you quit comparing and competing. I actually just told my husband last night that this marriage thing was my favorite part about life. I don't compete with him. I give to him and love him, if he gives to me and loves me back that's awesome....if he doesn't, oh well, I keep on giving and loving him.
So....I'm not very emo today, very thoughtful and thankful, but not emo. Gracefully learning this thing called life, and pretty content with the outcome at the moment.
I think a lot on rainy days. My mind can't help it, it wanders away from me, into dark, damp places in the back of my mind that I keep hidden when the sunshine is out. This morning is no different. However, I realized something about myself today....although I'm thoughtful, my thoughts are more controlled and more cheerful. I tend to reflect instead of dwell. I reminisce instead of regret. And today I was reflecting on what brought about this change in thought, or when did this change occur.
I happened to remember something else too, because that's what I do on rainy days is think and remember.....I remembered starting a blog in 2010 titled "Gracefully Learning" and the entire premise of this blog was to change my way of thinking and my way of life. I was living in constant turmoil, whether it be against myself, my parents, my job, my boyfriend at the time.....mostly it was about how I was living though. I only posted two posts on that blog, because my mind was all over the place and couldn't stay focused on one subject long enough to be worthwhile. However, I found it and read those two posts this morning. Let me share the first post.......
" So I decided something today, or yesterday, or maybe years ago, but I decided I need peace. Who doesn't want peace right? I feel as if I have been working against myself at obtaining this for awhile now. I have been struggling trying to find a better job, trying to get that house that I want, trying to find the perfect man. I have yet to sit still and allow myself to breathe. I have been searching for financial peace, spiritual peace, social peace, and any other kind available. In searching, I have missed so much. I have missed time with Grace, rest, trips and friendships. I have been stressed, broke and flat out mental. I quit! And in saying that I realize it sounds as if I am quitting life, or am going to quit trying. I simply am quitting the search.
The definition of peace is......
1. (noun) peace
the state prevailing during the absence of war
2. (noun) peace
harmonious relations; freedom from disputes
"the roommates lived in peace together"
3. (noun) peace, peacefulness, peace of mind, repose, serenity, heartsease, ataraxis
the absence of mental stress or anxiety
My favorite is the first definition, the state prevailing during the absence of war. I feel as if the last seven years of my life have been all out war, and I, in the front line, have simply been trying to survive. So I have come up with a plan. Instead of searching for peace, solitude and stillness, I am going to learn it. I am going to teach myself how to be still and enjoy life, not just my life, but all life. Starting today I am going to change my life, goals, perceptions and expectations of everything. Starting today I will hopefully be on my way to learning peace.
Every month I will give up one thing; This maybe toxic food, technology, shopping, bad relationships, etc., really anything that might cloud my mind and allow negativity into my life. I will then replace it with something I enjoy that will help me grow as a person, bring long lasting happiness, or be an instrument in my twelve month cleanse of the American Dream. Or just something I have always wanted to do. Examples are learning new hobbies that involve God, nature, or actual physical activities, trips, volunteering, new ways of doing everyday things. On my way trough this next year of exploration, studying, sacrificing, and pretty much experimentation, I hope to grow a deeper connection and understanding with the life I have been blessed with. I spiritually want to grow as close as possible with God through prayer, but also through learning the world around us, and the affects I as an individual have on the grand scheme of things. I want to find the beauty in the Earth God has created for us, and attempt to slowly transform my life to live the way He intended. This is going to be a slow, long, and trying process. Gotta start somewhere though, right? "
This was such a refreshing treasure to find, because I'll tell you....I have stuck with this. Since 2010 I have completely quit all drinks with sugar in them (even juices), it's water, unsweetened tea or black coffee. I try to eat as many good fats and whole foods as possible. Not only have I become more wise about eating, but I have become more conscious about my actions. I try to speak intentionally. I try to react to things with grace. I have picked up yoga. I have picked up school. I fell in love and married. I am more patient and kind. I have focused on certain relationships that lacked in the past, and nourished them. I have poured myself into my marriage and my role as Gracie's mother. I have quit standing on the side lines waiting for the coach to put me in and me make the winning touchdown and live happily ever after. I have learned that it takes practice and training and persistence. Life is not hard most of the time. There is not constant turmoil. Love and marriage is actually quite easy if you quit comparing and competing. I actually just told my husband last night that this marriage thing was my favorite part about life. I don't compete with him. I give to him and love him, if he gives to me and loves me back that's awesome....if he doesn't, oh well, I keep on giving and loving him.
So....I'm not very emo today, very thoughtful and thankful, but not emo. Gracefully learning this thing called life, and pretty content with the outcome at the moment.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Building Steps
If you're a parent, you already know, there is no greater love than that which you have for your child. There is no man, no friend, no job, no amount of money, not even other family that can change that. If you're not a parent, I'm telling you, it's more than your heart can bear. With that being said, let me also say, there is no job quite as difficult. It's just hard, especially when you're learning yourself. What is good for them to eat? Do I wash this on hot or cold? Sneeze in your elbow not your hands. Brush your teeth. Don't talk back to me. Pull your pants up. Brush your hair. I will wear you out if I ever hear you say that again. Etc...etc...etc.....it's constant. I feel so often like all I do is get onto my daughter. All I do is correct her and tell her to do something differently. I go to bed every night questioning my parenting abilities....am I doing right by her, or just impatient and easily aggravated? Now there is a different issue added onto the situation, step-siblings. I love my step kids and would fight for them and protect them just as if they were my own. However, there is a difference between them and Grace. I try really hard for everyone not to be able to notice that there is a difference, but I also have to balance the fact that she needs to know that I have her back.....no matter what. I need her to know that I am HER mama, I am HER security guard and HER cheerleader. But....I don't want her taking advantage or rubbing it in anyone's face that, that is the case. It's such a difficult thing to balance. I don't want my step kids to feel shunned, but even more importantly, I don't want my child to feel shunned. And although, in disciplining her I feel I am very consistent and would be the same way if it was just her and I.....it's not just her and I anymore, so in her eyes I'm strict and evil because of the new added family.
It's just a hard situation. No matter how good the situation is, it is impossible to be a perfect situation, due to that's just not how it's supposed to be. There aren't supposed to be step parents or step siblings. There's not supposed to be divorce. But...there is and it is just how life goes sometimes. Kids are the one's to suffer though, truly. I mean I'm not suffering.....I got rid of my ex, married the man of my dreams and get to spend forever in his arms instead of depression and loneliness. But the kids, the kids get shuffled around, back and forth between the two people they love most in the whole world. They have to endure harsh comments regarding the "other" parent and hold it in. They have to adjust to living with people that they didn't choose....step family. They have to share "their" stuff and "their" family with people that just decided to show up. I get it, I do. However, here's the other part that no one sees.....coming from a single mother's point of view.
It was a loveless marriage, in fact most nights we slept in separate beds. There was no communication, no physical contact, no support. I won't go into why it actually ended, because unlike most people, I don't want my daughter to know the messy details of why her father and I just cannot be, but I will say it had to end.....if for nothing else but what was left of my self esteem and sanity. It was a rough end, I'm not sure it can ever go smoothly, but it didn't. There were a lot of harsh words said that are not easily forgiven. There was a lot of fingers pointing and blaming. There was anger and disappointment. There was depression and struggles with addiction. There was the need to feel something. The need to feel wanted. The need to feel like I could sleep without holding one eye open. The desire to belong to someone and something real. It sucked. Divorce sucks for everyone. I would date and find someone who seemed compatible enough to actually attempt something, then I would feel guilty for feeling anything for anyone other than her father, so I would call it off. I would start fights just because that is what I was used to, and I didn't know how to have a normal relationship. Many nights I would fall asleep crying and praying that I just wanted to leave this town so I didn't have to run into any of the women that he "befriended". I automatically assumed the worst out of everyone, which doomed everything from the beginning. It was a long road of "self exploration" that no one prepared me for, and that no one could help me with. I felt more alone and more insignificant than any woman should ever feel in her lifetime. During this time, not only was I not living up to the potential I had as an individual, I also was not living up to the potential I had as a mother. I wasn't able to play and nurture, like every little girl desperately needs her mommy to be able to do. I wasn't able to cuddle and sing, because quite frankly I wanted to be alone and miserable so I could wallow in my own misery. I wasn't able to take fun trips to amusement parks or shopping sprees because I was a single mother struggling to pay the bills. I was struggling to get out of bed in the morning, craft making and doll house playing would have been a miracle.
It was a time in my life that as soon as it started, I started trying to pull myself out of it. I didn't want to be at that point. I didn't want to be miserable and depressed. I wanted happy, I wanted to play, I wanted to sing and cuddle and I wanted to live again. It was a slow process, but I managed to come back to reality at some point. I managed to smile more, sleep better, laugh louder and hold my head a little higher. It was at that point that I found my inner strength and knew what I personally was capable of. I was a strong independent woman. That's when I found my husband.....I guess confidence is attractive. We dated, and for the first time I didn't feel guilty. I didn't feel the need to argue with him, I just enjoyed his company. It worked, him and I worked....and are still working till this day. It's a good and healthy relationship, without pressure or expectations....just companionship, loyalty and love.
Now.....this is where we get into the part where she is having to "share" me. My daughter is having to cope with step family and new rules. She is having to learn new people and their personalities. Remember I understand this sucks for her....it's a hard thing to ask someone so little to do. However, I also know that I now play more. Her and I spend more quality, HAPPY time together. She has a step sibling to play with on the weekends, so now she's not bored. It's girls against boys when we play CandyLand, Scrabble or volleyball. I cook every night and we sit around the table, as a family and talk and laugh and solve all the World's issues. I tuck her in her bed every night and tell her I love her and we smile and hug. We share secrets. We clean her room together. We walk around the block occasionally when weather permits. Her and I are happier together than we have been in a long time. This is a direct effect from me being happy. I am content and put together. I am able to be a better mother, because someone else is helping me with life. I realize that makes me sound very dependent on my husband and having someone there to support me. I don't care. I'm not being supported, WE are supporting each other. WE are building a future together, Grace included, his kids included. WE are a family.....a new kind of family.....a blended family. It's hard, but it's easier than it was before. There's a lot of love, and God knows that covers a multitude of difficulties.
It's just a hard situation. No matter how good the situation is, it is impossible to be a perfect situation, due to that's just not how it's supposed to be. There aren't supposed to be step parents or step siblings. There's not supposed to be divorce. But...there is and it is just how life goes sometimes. Kids are the one's to suffer though, truly. I mean I'm not suffering.....I got rid of my ex, married the man of my dreams and get to spend forever in his arms instead of depression and loneliness. But the kids, the kids get shuffled around, back and forth between the two people they love most in the whole world. They have to endure harsh comments regarding the "other" parent and hold it in. They have to adjust to living with people that they didn't choose....step family. They have to share "their" stuff and "their" family with people that just decided to show up. I get it, I do. However, here's the other part that no one sees.....coming from a single mother's point of view.
It was a loveless marriage, in fact most nights we slept in separate beds. There was no communication, no physical contact, no support. I won't go into why it actually ended, because unlike most people, I don't want my daughter to know the messy details of why her father and I just cannot be, but I will say it had to end.....if for nothing else but what was left of my self esteem and sanity. It was a rough end, I'm not sure it can ever go smoothly, but it didn't. There were a lot of harsh words said that are not easily forgiven. There was a lot of fingers pointing and blaming. There was anger and disappointment. There was depression and struggles with addiction. There was the need to feel something. The need to feel wanted. The need to feel like I could sleep without holding one eye open. The desire to belong to someone and something real. It sucked. Divorce sucks for everyone. I would date and find someone who seemed compatible enough to actually attempt something, then I would feel guilty for feeling anything for anyone other than her father, so I would call it off. I would start fights just because that is what I was used to, and I didn't know how to have a normal relationship. Many nights I would fall asleep crying and praying that I just wanted to leave this town so I didn't have to run into any of the women that he "befriended". I automatically assumed the worst out of everyone, which doomed everything from the beginning. It was a long road of "self exploration" that no one prepared me for, and that no one could help me with. I felt more alone and more insignificant than any woman should ever feel in her lifetime. During this time, not only was I not living up to the potential I had as an individual, I also was not living up to the potential I had as a mother. I wasn't able to play and nurture, like every little girl desperately needs her mommy to be able to do. I wasn't able to cuddle and sing, because quite frankly I wanted to be alone and miserable so I could wallow in my own misery. I wasn't able to take fun trips to amusement parks or shopping sprees because I was a single mother struggling to pay the bills. I was struggling to get out of bed in the morning, craft making and doll house playing would have been a miracle.
It was a time in my life that as soon as it started, I started trying to pull myself out of it. I didn't want to be at that point. I didn't want to be miserable and depressed. I wanted happy, I wanted to play, I wanted to sing and cuddle and I wanted to live again. It was a slow process, but I managed to come back to reality at some point. I managed to smile more, sleep better, laugh louder and hold my head a little higher. It was at that point that I found my inner strength and knew what I personally was capable of. I was a strong independent woman. That's when I found my husband.....I guess confidence is attractive. We dated, and for the first time I didn't feel guilty. I didn't feel the need to argue with him, I just enjoyed his company. It worked, him and I worked....and are still working till this day. It's a good and healthy relationship, without pressure or expectations....just companionship, loyalty and love.
Now.....this is where we get into the part where she is having to "share" me. My daughter is having to cope with step family and new rules. She is having to learn new people and their personalities. Remember I understand this sucks for her....it's a hard thing to ask someone so little to do. However, I also know that I now play more. Her and I spend more quality, HAPPY time together. She has a step sibling to play with on the weekends, so now she's not bored. It's girls against boys when we play CandyLand, Scrabble or volleyball. I cook every night and we sit around the table, as a family and talk and laugh and solve all the World's issues. I tuck her in her bed every night and tell her I love her and we smile and hug. We share secrets. We clean her room together. We walk around the block occasionally when weather permits. Her and I are happier together than we have been in a long time. This is a direct effect from me being happy. I am content and put together. I am able to be a better mother, because someone else is helping me with life. I realize that makes me sound very dependent on my husband and having someone there to support me. I don't care. I'm not being supported, WE are supporting each other. WE are building a future together, Grace included, his kids included. WE are a family.....a new kind of family.....a blended family. It's hard, but it's easier than it was before. There's a lot of love, and God knows that covers a multitude of difficulties.
Friday, March 28, 2014
The Honeymoon Phase
After being married for a year, I guess the "honeymoon" is typically supposed to be over. However, when we were dating, he asked me one day "do you think it will always be like this? Or do you think we will eventually be like everyone else?" My response was...."it will ALWAYS be like this, I promise." For one, there is no possible way we could be like everyone else even if we tried. We're just to different, our relationship and dynamics are very, very rare. Second, I had a marriage like everyone else once....and it was miserable and ended badly. It was boring and predictable, ritualistic and non-intimate. It required entirely to much effort to even remain sane, much less happy. I refuse to do that again. I refuse to give all of myself, to the point of losing sight of who I am as an individual, for someone who clearly isn't willing to give any of themselves back to me. I refuse to raise children with someone that expects me to be the only active parent. I refuse to let myself go and pretend to be attracted to an out of shape, overweight version of the man that once turned me on. I refuse to let myself forget how to kiss and refuse to have sex out of obligation (because it's my duty as his wife, nope). I choose love. I choose laughter. I choose intimacy. I choose fairy tale. I choose a happy, healthy life with my husband.
I've always been told, marriage is hard....it requires a lot of work and compromise. I've always heard, you won't always be in love with the person, so you have to learn to like them...whether the love part is there at the moment or not. I've seen people go to counseling. I've seen people question every move the other makes. I've known people that dread any sort of physical contact, with their spouse, whatsoever. You chose them, you loved them, you have to make up your mind that it's going to work....otherwise, go ahead and get an attorney because it's not going to last. I decided very early on in our relationship, that I wanted him. I decided that I wanted to be happy with him, for the rest of my life. With that being said, let me tell you how I have kept the honeymoon on going, and how I will continue to for the rest of our happy, fairy tale, lives together.
First off....life isn't perfect, people can't be perfect, anytime you have ex's involved, your situation will never be perfect. Don't blame your spouse for things that happen in your life that cannot be controlled. Example: Say he gets laid off from his job. Not his fault, the economy is poor, unemployment is up and sometimes life just isn't fair. DO NOT get angry with him, love each other through it and hold tighter to him than normal. My husband pays out a ridiculous amount of alimony and child support to his ex. The judge ruled poorly against him, it's an unfair situation that he had no control over. I will not hold this over his head when our finances are in the negative, because two wrongs do not make a right, and degrading his worth will not solve anything, but rather drive a wedge right down the middle of our marriage.
Second.....do not focus on things your spouse doesn't do for you, but rather what they do, do for you. My husband is horrible with birthdays and anniversaries and special dates....he will remember, he just won't remember to get anything or acknowledge it. However, on almost a daily basis he does other things that mean more than a card on our anniversary. The other day he changed the sheets on the bed and made the bed up all pretty, placing a rose on my pillow. He brings home home-decor books from home depot for me when he goes, because he knows I love to look through them. He bought a pitcher and wine glasses in the color of my kitchen for me one day to place on my shelf. He sends me random texts telling me he loves me and he's the luckiest man in the world. He comes home and puts his arms around me EVERY single day! Those things mean more to me than any thing he could do. Focus on those things.
Third....focus on their worth as an individual, and who they are as a person, rather than who you want them to be. Just like you are you, they are themselves. Just like you do not want to be changed for anyone, neither do they. My husband gets so upset at the slightest little things....he is Italian, I guess it just comes natural....lots of drama around small situations. I could very easily say, nope, it's just to much, it stresses me out and I give up. Instead, I embrace his passion for things and am thankful he isn't just a totem pole of a man with zero emotion or feeling. I love how he talks to our dogs like a mush, and thinks they need a dog cookie every time they come inside. I love who he is, and all of the little things that get over looked, that make him who he is. How he rubs his fingers like he has something on them when he eats....love. How he loves sweets and almost dies every time I make a dessert....love. Love them for them, not for you.
Fourth...pray for them always, but mostly when you are mad. You always need to pray for your spouse. Pray for God to give them strength to make the right decisions, pray for health, pray for positive thoughts and positive things to happen to them. Pray that you be what they need you to be at certain points in their life. But even more than any of this, pray for them when you are mad at them. I adore my husband and we rarely argue, but it does happen sometimes....I just want to tell him how stupid he is and how much I want to smack his stupid face and that he needs to stay on his side of the bed and not touch me. I found that it makes everything better though, when I don't tell him those things, but rather tell God. God is very understanding, and it's okay and allowed to vent to Him sometimes. I tell Him what bothered me and that I want to smack my husbands big stupid face. I also pray that we resolve it quickly and that He give me the words to talk to my husband with love, rather than anger and name calling. My daddy always said "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." Don't speak, until you can speak kindly. Words are like brain ninjas and will mess you up.
Fifth....look at them, really look at them. I wake up every single morning and look at my husband. I see the hairs that are starting to turn grey, and the laugh lines that might not have been there a year or so ago. I look at how his hand still is holding mine, even after sleeping all night. When I get up and get ready, while in the closet I look at his clothes. I see the pants he wears to work everyday and see the rips and tears from manual labor. I see the shirts covered in paint. I see the shirts he has had for years that are stretched out and stained, yet he never asks for more. I see the shoes that go on his feet everyday as he works for us. I see the towel hanging on the shower door that he uses over and over and over, so I don't get stuck with a lot of bulky laundry. Walking through the house I notice he places his keys in the same spot, on the chest in the entryway. I notice he places his jacket on the same chair in the dining room. Pay attention and notice the details that make up your spouse.
Lastly....do for them. Be a servant of sorts for your spouse. Wash their clothes and just like above, notice the wear and tear due to manual labor. Cook for them and know they are getting a warm healthy meal. Make up the bed, because the marriage bed is the most important piece of furniture in the household. This is the place where you talk and think, plan and dream, laugh and cry, love and hold each other....make it up and make it pretty. Sweep the floors so they can take their shoes off after a long day and walk barefoot. Buy them gifts, to let them know you were thinking of them while getting toothpaste and Scrubbing Bubbles. Do for them and be happy about it. Smile and make it real.
I like to think about where he learned to do certain things or why certain habits formed, sometimes. I like to think of the little boy he started out as and what things have changed inwardly on him since. I am not a perfect person or wife, nor is he a perfect man or husband, but we are trying, and we will continue to try everyday for the rest of our lives. I love my husband more now than I did this morning, and will love him even more by this afternoon. It's a decision...I choose to be crazy in love with my husband and have a fairy tale, forever honeymoon marriage. I choose to show people how wonderful marriage can be. I choose to make this last. It's not a job, it's not work, it's a frame of mind. It's a beautiful frame of mind.
I've always been told, marriage is hard....it requires a lot of work and compromise. I've always heard, you won't always be in love with the person, so you have to learn to like them...whether the love part is there at the moment or not. I've seen people go to counseling. I've seen people question every move the other makes. I've known people that dread any sort of physical contact, with their spouse, whatsoever. You chose them, you loved them, you have to make up your mind that it's going to work....otherwise, go ahead and get an attorney because it's not going to last. I decided very early on in our relationship, that I wanted him. I decided that I wanted to be happy with him, for the rest of my life. With that being said, let me tell you how I have kept the honeymoon on going, and how I will continue to for the rest of our happy, fairy tale, lives together.
First off....life isn't perfect, people can't be perfect, anytime you have ex's involved, your situation will never be perfect. Don't blame your spouse for things that happen in your life that cannot be controlled. Example: Say he gets laid off from his job. Not his fault, the economy is poor, unemployment is up and sometimes life just isn't fair. DO NOT get angry with him, love each other through it and hold tighter to him than normal. My husband pays out a ridiculous amount of alimony and child support to his ex. The judge ruled poorly against him, it's an unfair situation that he had no control over. I will not hold this over his head when our finances are in the negative, because two wrongs do not make a right, and degrading his worth will not solve anything, but rather drive a wedge right down the middle of our marriage.
Second.....do not focus on things your spouse doesn't do for you, but rather what they do, do for you. My husband is horrible with birthdays and anniversaries and special dates....he will remember, he just won't remember to get anything or acknowledge it. However, on almost a daily basis he does other things that mean more than a card on our anniversary. The other day he changed the sheets on the bed and made the bed up all pretty, placing a rose on my pillow. He brings home home-decor books from home depot for me when he goes, because he knows I love to look through them. He bought a pitcher and wine glasses in the color of my kitchen for me one day to place on my shelf. He sends me random texts telling me he loves me and he's the luckiest man in the world. He comes home and puts his arms around me EVERY single day! Those things mean more to me than any thing he could do. Focus on those things.
Third....focus on their worth as an individual, and who they are as a person, rather than who you want them to be. Just like you are you, they are themselves. Just like you do not want to be changed for anyone, neither do they. My husband gets so upset at the slightest little things....he is Italian, I guess it just comes natural....lots of drama around small situations. I could very easily say, nope, it's just to much, it stresses me out and I give up. Instead, I embrace his passion for things and am thankful he isn't just a totem pole of a man with zero emotion or feeling. I love how he talks to our dogs like a mush, and thinks they need a dog cookie every time they come inside. I love who he is, and all of the little things that get over looked, that make him who he is. How he rubs his fingers like he has something on them when he eats....love. How he loves sweets and almost dies every time I make a dessert....love. Love them for them, not for you.
Fourth...pray for them always, but mostly when you are mad. You always need to pray for your spouse. Pray for God to give them strength to make the right decisions, pray for health, pray for positive thoughts and positive things to happen to them. Pray that you be what they need you to be at certain points in their life. But even more than any of this, pray for them when you are mad at them. I adore my husband and we rarely argue, but it does happen sometimes....I just want to tell him how stupid he is and how much I want to smack his stupid face and that he needs to stay on his side of the bed and not touch me. I found that it makes everything better though, when I don't tell him those things, but rather tell God. God is very understanding, and it's okay and allowed to vent to Him sometimes. I tell Him what bothered me and that I want to smack my husbands big stupid face. I also pray that we resolve it quickly and that He give me the words to talk to my husband with love, rather than anger and name calling. My daddy always said "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." Don't speak, until you can speak kindly. Words are like brain ninjas and will mess you up.
Fifth....look at them, really look at them. I wake up every single morning and look at my husband. I see the hairs that are starting to turn grey, and the laugh lines that might not have been there a year or so ago. I look at how his hand still is holding mine, even after sleeping all night. When I get up and get ready, while in the closet I look at his clothes. I see the pants he wears to work everyday and see the rips and tears from manual labor. I see the shirts covered in paint. I see the shirts he has had for years that are stretched out and stained, yet he never asks for more. I see the shoes that go on his feet everyday as he works for us. I see the towel hanging on the shower door that he uses over and over and over, so I don't get stuck with a lot of bulky laundry. Walking through the house I notice he places his keys in the same spot, on the chest in the entryway. I notice he places his jacket on the same chair in the dining room. Pay attention and notice the details that make up your spouse.
Lastly....do for them. Be a servant of sorts for your spouse. Wash their clothes and just like above, notice the wear and tear due to manual labor. Cook for them and know they are getting a warm healthy meal. Make up the bed, because the marriage bed is the most important piece of furniture in the household. This is the place where you talk and think, plan and dream, laugh and cry, love and hold each other....make it up and make it pretty. Sweep the floors so they can take their shoes off after a long day and walk barefoot. Buy them gifts, to let them know you were thinking of them while getting toothpaste and Scrubbing Bubbles. Do for them and be happy about it. Smile and make it real.
I like to think about where he learned to do certain things or why certain habits formed, sometimes. I like to think of the little boy he started out as and what things have changed inwardly on him since. I am not a perfect person or wife, nor is he a perfect man or husband, but we are trying, and we will continue to try everyday for the rest of our lives. I love my husband more now than I did this morning, and will love him even more by this afternoon. It's a decision...I choose to be crazy in love with my husband and have a fairy tale, forever honeymoon marriage. I choose to show people how wonderful marriage can be. I choose to make this last. It's not a job, it's not work, it's a frame of mind. It's a beautiful frame of mind.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
You need to eat more salads.
I don't feel well....I just don't. Auto immune disorders and cold weather combined are the devil. I hurt, my skin crawls, I have headaches and I want to sleep right now. So is life. However, I am making due with little to no complaining (except what was just said), and zero medication. I'm not sure if you've ever been diagnosed with an auto immune disease, or treated, but let me just explain how the Dr. visit might go down.
Personal experience.....
A skin rash appears on my neck and chest, after being in the sun, which feels like my skin is being chemically peeled off of my body.
Clearly, I make an appointment with the Dermatologist (thinking it's sun poisoning).
They do a biopsy (which I still bear the hideous butcher job scar from), and I go back one week later to find out the results.
You have a rare skin disease called Dariers. There is only one known treatment and it only suppresses the appearance.
Well duh, I want the treatment.
They bring in an 1/2 inch thick package of papers for you to sign....basically stating, if anything adverse happens to you while taking this drug, they are not responsible. It's a pill form of Chemo.
No thank you! I'll continue to have my skin crawl.
Another personal example....
Years of joint pain (literally years...like since I was in middle school) and finally diagnosed with RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis). Except the medication has more side affects than the disease itself. Including, requiring you to take other medication to treat symptoms brought on from the RA medication.
Are you kidding me?! Why can't I just have a pulled muscle or something?
The only saving grace any of my diagnoses hold are: I am diagnosed, so I know how to treat, live, eat and I'M NOT CRAZY (that's a biggie)!!!
So....in finally finding out what the heck was wrong with me, and why I felt like death the majority of the time, and knowing I don't want that stupid medication (sorry for the run-on), I diet, I exercise and I rest.
In doing so, I lost weight, almost immediately actually. It fell off of me, because I got out of bed. I resisted the urge to lie down and quit. I resisted the urge to eat the same amount I did before, because over eating made my acid indigestion worse (which I got from years of taking Ibuprofen for the pain....which I haven't had one of in over 8 months). I resist the urge to eat that huge piece of chocolate cake over eating some fresh fruit because the sugar causes my heart to race while digesting (which I'm sure is related to the mile long list of problems I already have). I resist the urge to snack constantly, because any additional weight I put on requires me to sleep propped up, due to my acid indigestion (again). I enjoy running, because other wise I become stiff from lack of joint movement. I enjoy yoga and stretching for the same reason. So, in summary....I try to eat well and live a healthy lifestyle. I require no meds, and find my pain and discomfort easily manageable and tolerated. I'm tired, yes. Don't ask me to help you paint an entire house....I'm lucky to paint two walls in a weekend, in my own house. Don't ask me to be somewhere at 6 am, just no. Also, don't ask me to stay out somewhere after about 10...because I am in the bed. There are major, lifestyle adjustments I have had to make to prolong quality of life with out medication. But I'm doing it, and it's working well.
I say all of this to come to this point.....I'm thin, because I eat right, not because I don't eat. I am 5 foot tall, and an extra 10 pounds on me is very significant....not only because my clothes will no longer fit, but because it will put me in the bed. I eat right for my health, because I too want to be around for a long time.
If I had a dime for how many times people offered me food out of pity, or told me I was to thin, or my favorite is "you need to eat a few cheeseburgers", I would be a wealthy woman. I do not go around telling overweight women they need to eat a salad, nor do I tell people they are fat. It is the same thing, it is not a nice gesture to point out one's weight of any kind. Especially, when health wise....I CANNOT have the things you offer. It's a temptation and not nice. I am a perfect weight for my frame and build....so says the Dr. I am petite...which literally means....I am little :). I am very appreciative of everyone's concerns, because it let's me know I am loved. If you feel you need to feed me, I happen to LOVE fresh pineapple and strawberries. I also have a hard time turning down those little Cuties....because they are delicious. Support me in my venture of a healthier lifestyle....join in even (please, you might be surprised at how addictive it is). Allow me to be happy, healthy and little.
This blog is brought to you today because of a co-worker that informed me "men like meat, not bones" and I needed to eat the oreo, chocolate chip cookie dough, double fudge brownies she brought in this morning (diabetes in a pan, no thanks), and...it just so happens....my husband thinks I am perfect :).
Personal experience.....
A skin rash appears on my neck and chest, after being in the sun, which feels like my skin is being chemically peeled off of my body.
Clearly, I make an appointment with the Dermatologist (thinking it's sun poisoning).
They do a biopsy (which I still bear the hideous butcher job scar from), and I go back one week later to find out the results.
You have a rare skin disease called Dariers. There is only one known treatment and it only suppresses the appearance.
Well duh, I want the treatment.
They bring in an 1/2 inch thick package of papers for you to sign....basically stating, if anything adverse happens to you while taking this drug, they are not responsible. It's a pill form of Chemo.
No thank you! I'll continue to have my skin crawl.
Another personal example....
Years of joint pain (literally years...like since I was in middle school) and finally diagnosed with RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis). Except the medication has more side affects than the disease itself. Including, requiring you to take other medication to treat symptoms brought on from the RA medication.
Are you kidding me?! Why can't I just have a pulled muscle or something?
The only saving grace any of my diagnoses hold are: I am diagnosed, so I know how to treat, live, eat and I'M NOT CRAZY (that's a biggie)!!!
So....in finally finding out what the heck was wrong with me, and why I felt like death the majority of the time, and knowing I don't want that stupid medication (sorry for the run-on), I diet, I exercise and I rest.
In doing so, I lost weight, almost immediately actually. It fell off of me, because I got out of bed. I resisted the urge to lie down and quit. I resisted the urge to eat the same amount I did before, because over eating made my acid indigestion worse (which I got from years of taking Ibuprofen for the pain....which I haven't had one of in over 8 months). I resist the urge to eat that huge piece of chocolate cake over eating some fresh fruit because the sugar causes my heart to race while digesting (which I'm sure is related to the mile long list of problems I already have). I resist the urge to snack constantly, because any additional weight I put on requires me to sleep propped up, due to my acid indigestion (again). I enjoy running, because other wise I become stiff from lack of joint movement. I enjoy yoga and stretching for the same reason. So, in summary....I try to eat well and live a healthy lifestyle. I require no meds, and find my pain and discomfort easily manageable and tolerated. I'm tired, yes. Don't ask me to help you paint an entire house....I'm lucky to paint two walls in a weekend, in my own house. Don't ask me to be somewhere at 6 am, just no. Also, don't ask me to stay out somewhere after about 10...because I am in the bed. There are major, lifestyle adjustments I have had to make to prolong quality of life with out medication. But I'm doing it, and it's working well.
I say all of this to come to this point.....I'm thin, because I eat right, not because I don't eat. I am 5 foot tall, and an extra 10 pounds on me is very significant....not only because my clothes will no longer fit, but because it will put me in the bed. I eat right for my health, because I too want to be around for a long time.
If I had a dime for how many times people offered me food out of pity, or told me I was to thin, or my favorite is "you need to eat a few cheeseburgers", I would be a wealthy woman. I do not go around telling overweight women they need to eat a salad, nor do I tell people they are fat. It is the same thing, it is not a nice gesture to point out one's weight of any kind. Especially, when health wise....I CANNOT have the things you offer. It's a temptation and not nice. I am a perfect weight for my frame and build....so says the Dr. I am petite...which literally means....I am little :). I am very appreciative of everyone's concerns, because it let's me know I am loved. If you feel you need to feed me, I happen to LOVE fresh pineapple and strawberries. I also have a hard time turning down those little Cuties....because they are delicious. Support me in my venture of a healthier lifestyle....join in even (please, you might be surprised at how addictive it is). Allow me to be happy, healthy and little.
This blog is brought to you today because of a co-worker that informed me "men like meat, not bones" and I needed to eat the oreo, chocolate chip cookie dough, double fudge brownies she brought in this morning (diabetes in a pan, no thanks), and...it just so happens....my husband thinks I am perfect :).
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
A Voice
I teach two nights a week at a local "degree completion" college. Last night the class across the hall from mine was having a guest speaker and asked if we wanted to sit in and listen. My girls that I am teaching are towards the end of their program and will be finishing within the next quarter or so. The students in the class across the hall are new students and the class is a motivation and self confidence class, which is required to graduate. They were talking about how to deal with difficult people, so I felt it a good idea to hear. The class was full and cramped, so my students and I made it to the back of the room and found seats. I've learned that as adult students, coming back to college, they tend to sit up front more often than in the back....I like this, but this is why we had to sit in the back :). I then sat and watched the entire class react to the speaker, respond to her questions and put their opinions on the table for the entire, hour-long presentation. There was one student however, that had only one statement, yet it was so profound I started to cry. The speaker was talking about what might make a person become difficult to deal with. Their raising, an abusive relationship, lack of confidence, all of these were mentioned and brought up. But then she spoke, ever so softly and quietly, that the class actually didn't even hear her, they didn't skip a beat....she said "maybe they just want to be heard, they want to know someone is listening". I heard the desperation in her voice, the lack of confidence as she was overpowered by the girl sitting next to her yelling out "I can't help it if they don't like working the drive thru!" People yelling "that's why you carry a gun", "people all be drama". She was meekly sitting in her seat with her head down, taking notes. I wanted to go up to her and hug her, because I know that feeling. I have fought that feeling my entire adult life. The feeling of being inadequate, of not belonging, of not knowing enough to matter. I feel it, but I fight it. It's a constant thing I am having to reassure myself that I AM good enough, I DO belong, and I AM smart enough that my opinions matter. It actually has made me quite opinionated and outspoken, almost like an overcompensation. I felt for this girl.
We all have an opinion on things, even if we don't exactly know in detail what it is we have an opinion on. We have an opinion on how to cook a steak....I think they are best rare, my husband prefers his almost burnt. We have an opinion on the president, even if it is based on other people's opinion, somehow we came to our opinion. We have an opinion on how to raise OUR kids, and a lot of times this is either very similar to how we were raised or purposefully polar opposite. We have opinions on everyday things in life and maybe we just want someone to hear our opinions. We want to have a voice and be heard. WE WANT TO KNOW SOMEONE IS LISTENING. I thought about this a lot last night and thought about some of the difficult people in my life that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe I'm not listening to their cries, maybe it's just a last resort at being heard. Maybe they really aren't that difficult, they just need someone to say "I understand, I hear you" with a smile.
This girl was a single mother, who was struggling to make ends meet and was living with an abusive boyfriend just long enough to finish school....so her and her son could leave and make it. This girl has lost her voice....she has lost herself....and lost the confidence it takes to survive this world. However, she is a survivor and a warrior. She will make it, she will do fine, she will find her voice again, and I hope her son realizes what a powerful woman his mother is....even with her quiet and meek demeanor.
There was a movie awhile back titled "The Help", huge blockbuster....and amazing story line. In it was a quote...."You is kind. You is smart. You is important." How powerful such small words can be, and see how unimportant grammar is (I don't like grammar Nazi's)? We are born, we live, we survive, we die. That's the circle of life. Along the way, hopefully we find ourselves and LIVE not just survive, but truly live. Hopefully we find our voice, our own opinions and realize we are somebody, we are important and we're all in this together....just wanting to be heard.
We all have an opinion on things, even if we don't exactly know in detail what it is we have an opinion on. We have an opinion on how to cook a steak....I think they are best rare, my husband prefers his almost burnt. We have an opinion on the president, even if it is based on other people's opinion, somehow we came to our opinion. We have an opinion on how to raise OUR kids, and a lot of times this is either very similar to how we were raised or purposefully polar opposite. We have opinions on everyday things in life and maybe we just want someone to hear our opinions. We want to have a voice and be heard. WE WANT TO KNOW SOMEONE IS LISTENING. I thought about this a lot last night and thought about some of the difficult people in my life that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe I'm not listening to their cries, maybe it's just a last resort at being heard. Maybe they really aren't that difficult, they just need someone to say "I understand, I hear you" with a smile.
This girl was a single mother, who was struggling to make ends meet and was living with an abusive boyfriend just long enough to finish school....so her and her son could leave and make it. This girl has lost her voice....she has lost herself....and lost the confidence it takes to survive this world. However, she is a survivor and a warrior. She will make it, she will do fine, she will find her voice again, and I hope her son realizes what a powerful woman his mother is....even with her quiet and meek demeanor.
There was a movie awhile back titled "The Help", huge blockbuster....and amazing story line. In it was a quote...."You is kind. You is smart. You is important." How powerful such small words can be, and see how unimportant grammar is (I don't like grammar Nazi's)? We are born, we live, we survive, we die. That's the circle of life. Along the way, hopefully we find ourselves and LIVE not just survive, but truly live. Hopefully we find our voice, our own opinions and realize we are somebody, we are important and we're all in this together....just wanting to be heard.
Monday, February 10, 2014
MY NY Style Cheesecake
My husband loves cheesecake. I mean, it's almost an intimate relationship between him and the cheesecake when he sits down to have a piece. And...being a New Yorker, clearly he prefers the New York Style Cheesecake, not the Jell-o brand that whips up in 5 minutes. So...being the "always aiming to please" wife that I am, I learned how to make a New York Style Cheesecake. I have went through about 6 different recipes to perfect what I now call "My Cheesecake", because each recipe yielded something different, but had a unique quality that we liked and desired. The baking time and temperature has been the hardest tweek, and quite frankly...given a different oven, would need to be tweeked again. It's such a trial and error process with me and cooking. I like to make things easy and quickly, so I always try to find shortcuts around every recipe. This is the one recipe I can't find a shortcut around. You just can't make this quickly. Don't try....it won't happen. It requires prep time and planning time. It also requires you to make it the day before you actually need it. It is a huge pain in the butt recipe and even a little costly. With that being said, it is so worth it. It's so rewarding when you pull out your perfect, golden, stand a fork up in it cheesecake, that holds all the flavor, sweetness and creaminess of the city that we all love, The Big Apple. Each time I make it and we take that first bite, things get quiet. It takes us back to that deli in Manhattan, where each piece is the size of my face and you can't help but eat the whole, wonderful thing. So anyway...here is the recipe. This is OUR favorite, but may not be yours. We don't like the lemon in ours, nor do we like the crustless kind. To each, their own. Enjoy!
You will need....
Spring form pan
Aluminum foil
Another pan that the spring form pan will fit into
And a stand up mixer
1 1/4 cups of graham cracker crumbs....however you want to go about getting them. I use the crumbs in the box, it just makes life easier.
1/3 cup of melted butter
4-8 oz.containers of cream cheese (room temperature)(I use the 1/3 less fat just to try and make this even a little bit less horrible for me)
4-eggs (room temperature)
8 oz. or 1 cup of sour cream (room temperature)(I've learned to use the real thing here, not the light....it makes a difference)
1 1/3 cups of sugar
3/4 cup of milk (room temperature)
1/4 cup of self-rising flour
1 TBSP of vanilla extract
Preheat oven to 450F.
Grease your spring form pan or spray with a non-stick cooking spray.
Mix your butter and graham cracker crumbs together and press into the bottom of your pan.
Wrap your pan in aluminum foil, making sure to cover the bottom and half-way up the sides.
Mix your ingredients together...add them one by one...cream cheese and sugar first.
Mix until creamy and little to no lumps and pour into your prepared pan.
Place spring form pan into the other pan and pour water into the larger pan creating a "bain marie" which literally is like a bath for your cheesecake. This helps it rise and keep it from sticking.
Bake at 450 for about ten minutes.
Then lower the temperature to 200F and bake for two hours.
Then raise the oven back up to about 325 to 350 and bake for another 30 minutes.
You will have to keep an eye on it more at this point, because it will rise considerably and brown quickly.
DO NOT OPEN THE OVEN WHILE ITS BAKING! I can't promise you no cracks in your cheesecake (because it depends on your oven, your products, and your humidity), but I can promise you it will crack if you keep opening up the oven to check or adjust your cheesecake. And I don't mean a small little crack on the side, I mean a grand canyon across your entire cheesecake that you cannot fix.
Once you are happy with the color and it doesn't jiggle to much when you walk across the floor in front of the oven (haha), go ahead and shut off the oven and prop open the oven door for about 2 hours.
Then sit on the counter for about another 2 hours to finish cooling.
Then wrap with plastic wrap and place in the refrigerator overnight.
It's so good with anything you want to put on it(strawberries, blackberries, raspberries), but why mess with perfection?
ENJOY!
You will need....
Spring form pan
Aluminum foil
Another pan that the spring form pan will fit into
And a stand up mixer
1 1/4 cups of graham cracker crumbs....however you want to go about getting them. I use the crumbs in the box, it just makes life easier.
1/3 cup of melted butter
4-8 oz.containers of cream cheese (room temperature)(I use the 1/3 less fat just to try and make this even a little bit less horrible for me)
4-eggs (room temperature)
8 oz. or 1 cup of sour cream (room temperature)(I've learned to use the real thing here, not the light....it makes a difference)
1 1/3 cups of sugar
3/4 cup of milk (room temperature)
1/4 cup of self-rising flour
1 TBSP of vanilla extract
Preheat oven to 450F.
Grease your spring form pan or spray with a non-stick cooking spray.
Mix your butter and graham cracker crumbs together and press into the bottom of your pan.
Wrap your pan in aluminum foil, making sure to cover the bottom and half-way up the sides.
Mix your ingredients together...add them one by one...cream cheese and sugar first.
Mix until creamy and little to no lumps and pour into your prepared pan.
Place spring form pan into the other pan and pour water into the larger pan creating a "bain marie" which literally is like a bath for your cheesecake. This helps it rise and keep it from sticking.
Bake at 450 for about ten minutes.
Then lower the temperature to 200F and bake for two hours.
Then raise the oven back up to about 325 to 350 and bake for another 30 minutes.
You will have to keep an eye on it more at this point, because it will rise considerably and brown quickly.
DO NOT OPEN THE OVEN WHILE ITS BAKING! I can't promise you no cracks in your cheesecake (because it depends on your oven, your products, and your humidity), but I can promise you it will crack if you keep opening up the oven to check or adjust your cheesecake. And I don't mean a small little crack on the side, I mean a grand canyon across your entire cheesecake that you cannot fix.
Once you are happy with the color and it doesn't jiggle to much when you walk across the floor in front of the oven (haha), go ahead and shut off the oven and prop open the oven door for about 2 hours.
Then sit on the counter for about another 2 hours to finish cooling.
Then wrap with plastic wrap and place in the refrigerator overnight.
It's so good with anything you want to put on it(strawberries, blackberries, raspberries), but why mess with perfection?
ENJOY!
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