A Fur Coat and Pearls

The vanity is off white with a tri folding mirror. The bench is only big enough for me to sit and has a rose pink velvet cushion. The top of the vanity is covered with make up brushes and perfumes with the little squeeze puffs at the end (I have got to get one of those). It sits up against the middle of the wall and to my left is a huge bay window from floor to ceiling. The ceilings are ten to twelve foot and the room is massive. It's dark outside and cold. The lighting in the room is low, but the candles help fill the room. I am sitting at the vanity in a long, silk, evening gown and my hair is in a formal up do. My shoulders are bare and kind of cool. I am wearing a multi strand of pearls and I am trying to choose what lipstick to wear. I can see myself in the mirror. I don't know where this place is, or why it comforts me, but this is my go to, in my mind, when I am feeling insecure. Which is often. It gives me confidence, it gives me stillness.

I started going there at about 16 years old. It was my way of coping with personal tragedies that I couldn't escape. I have walked all over that room in my mind, gazed out the window, placed my shoes on my feet, even laid on the bed and read a book. I never left the room, and no one was ever there with me. There were times I felt more at home there in my imaginary room, than I did in reality. I felt pretty, I felt undamaged and protected. People in my life have never known the demons I face on a daily basis. The insecurities that take over very quickly if I let them. Or the dark place I cover up with rainbows and butterflies. I would like to place blame and tell you a long sad story. I have a story, but so do you, and the person sitting next to you does too. It's life and we all find ways of coping with what comes along. This place keeps me from going down and keeps me from getting to dark and twisty (quite frankly people couldn't handle it). In moments of inner crisis, I tend to lose myself. I would give everything I had to solve/save the situation and in the meanwhile lose touch of who I am as an individual. I have recreated myself many times on the basis of I simply forgot who I was. The only thing that remained the same was my room in my head. I feel like maybe I am getting ready for a night out, with fur coats, music and dancing, friends and the man that gave me the pearls. Whatever it is, at the moment I need to be in the room, the room is much more inviting than life.

I realized the other day that I had never told anyone of my room. Pure honesty scares me sometimes. I would rather hide who I am and how I feel so as to escape judgement. But I also realized I hadn't visited it in awhile. There have been times in my life where I swear I spent more time in that imaginary room than I did participating in life, daily....hours a day. Almost to where I was worried if I had multiple personalities. But...I can't remember the last time I went there. I think for the obvious reasons, I am happy, I am content. My husband is the only man that has ever tried to help me overcome insecurities I might have. He's the only man that has tried to dig deeper than what I allowed on the surface, breaking walls. He is the only man that saw me for what I was and not what I was "trying" to be, or "expected" to be. We haven't talked about my demons or "my room", we haven't had to, he knows. So many times I start to sink, dwell on things and running starts to sound fun. I never have to tell him. I never get very far underwater before he saves me from myself. He knows me, maybe better than I even know myself. No one sees that side of us. No one sees the times he has held me and just let me cry. No one knows the depths of the pain that other people have put on me, nor will I ever tell (there are just somethings you keep to yourself). He is not a perfect man, but he loves me perfectly, and for that I would marry him again, everyday for the rest of my life. For the first time in almost fifteen years, I don't need my vanity, I don't need the pearls, I don't need the make up brushes or perfume with the squeeze puff (although they are awesome). For the first time in a very long time my reality is allowing me to breathe more than my room.