The Honeymoon Phase

After being married for a year, I guess the "honeymoon" is typically supposed to be over.  However, when we were dating, he asked me one day "do you think it will always be like this? Or do you think we will eventually be like everyone else?"  My response was...."it will ALWAYS be like this, I promise."  For one, there is no possible way we could be like everyone else even if we tried. We're just to different, our relationship and dynamics are very, very rare.  Second, I had a marriage like everyone else once....and it was miserable and ended badly.  It was boring and predictable, ritualistic and non-intimate.  It required entirely to much effort to even remain sane, much less happy.  I refuse to do that again.  I refuse to give all of myself, to the point of losing sight of who I am as an individual, for someone who clearly isn't willing to give any of themselves back to me.  I refuse to raise children with someone that expects me to be the only active parent.  I refuse to let myself go and pretend to be attracted to an out of shape, overweight version of the man that once turned me on. I refuse to let myself forget how to kiss and refuse to have sex out of obligation (because it's my duty as his wife, nope).  I choose love.  I choose laughter.  I choose intimacy.  I choose fairy tale.  I choose a happy, healthy life with my husband.

I've always been told, marriage is hard....it requires a lot of work and compromise.  I've always heard, you won't always be in love with the person, so you have to learn to like them...whether the love part is there at the moment or not.  I've seen people go to counseling.  I've seen people question every move the other makes.  I've known people that dread any sort of physical contact, with their spouse, whatsoever.  You chose them, you loved them, you have to make up your mind that it's going to work....otherwise, go ahead and get an attorney because it's not going to last.  I decided very early on in our relationship, that I wanted him.  I decided that I wanted to be happy with him, for the rest of my life.  With that being said, let me tell you how I have kept the honeymoon on going, and how I will continue to for the rest of our happy, fairy tale, lives together.

First off....life isn't perfect, people can't be perfect, anytime you have ex's involved, your situation will never be perfect.  Don't blame your spouse for things that happen in your life that cannot be controlled.  Example: Say he gets laid off from his job.  Not his fault, the economy is poor, unemployment is up and sometimes life just isn't fair.  DO NOT get angry with him, love each other through it and hold tighter to him than normal.  My husband pays out a ridiculous amount of alimony and child support to his ex.  The judge ruled poorly against him, it's an unfair situation that he had no control over.  I will not hold this over his head when our finances are in the negative, because two wrongs do not make a right, and degrading his worth will not solve anything, but rather drive a wedge right down the middle of our marriage.

Second.....do not focus on things your spouse doesn't do for you, but rather what they do, do for you.  My husband is horrible with birthdays and anniversaries and special dates....he will remember, he just won't remember to get anything or acknowledge it.  However, on almost a daily basis he does other things that mean more than a card on our anniversary.  The other day he changed the sheets on the bed and made the bed up all pretty, placing a rose on my pillow.  He brings home home-decor books from home depot for me when he goes, because he knows I love to look through them.  He bought a pitcher and wine glasses in the color of my kitchen for me one day to place on my shelf.  He sends me random texts telling me he loves me and he's the luckiest man in the world.  He comes home and puts his arms around me EVERY single day!  Those things mean more to me than any thing he could do.  Focus on those things.

Third....focus on their worth as an individual, and who they are as a person, rather than who you want them to be.  Just like you are you, they are themselves.  Just like you do not want to be changed for anyone, neither do they.  My husband gets so upset at the slightest little things....he is Italian, I guess it just comes natural....lots of drama around small situations.  I could very easily say, nope, it's just to much, it stresses me out and I give up.  Instead, I embrace his passion for things and am thankful he isn't just a totem pole of a man with zero emotion or feeling.  I love how he talks to our dogs like a mush, and thinks they need a dog cookie every time they come inside.  I love who he is, and all of the little things that get over looked, that make him who he is.  How he rubs his fingers like he has something on them when he eats....love.  How he loves sweets and almost dies every time I make a dessert....love.  Love them for them, not for you.

Fourth...pray for them always, but mostly when you are mad.  You always need to pray for your spouse. Pray for God to give them strength to make the right decisions, pray for health, pray for positive thoughts and positive things to happen to them.  Pray that you be what they need you to be at certain points in their life.  But even more than any of this, pray for them when you are mad at them.  I adore my husband and we rarely argue, but it does happen sometimes....I just want to tell him how stupid he is and how much I want to smack his stupid face and that he needs to stay on his side of the bed and not touch me.  I found that it makes everything better though, when I don't tell him those things, but rather tell God.  God is very understanding, and it's okay and allowed to vent to Him sometimes.  I tell Him what bothered me and that I want to smack my husbands big stupid face.  I also pray that we resolve it quickly and that He give me the words to talk to my husband with love, rather than anger and name calling. My daddy always said "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."  Don't speak, until you can speak kindly.  Words are like brain ninjas and will mess you up.

Fifth....look at them, really look at them.  I wake up every single morning and look at my husband.  I see the hairs that are starting to turn grey, and the laugh lines that might not have been there a year or so ago.  I look at how his hand still is holding mine, even after sleeping all night.  When I get up and get ready, while in the closet I look at his clothes.  I see the pants he wears to work everyday and see the rips and tears from manual labor.  I see the shirts covered in paint.  I see the shirts he has had for years that are stretched out and stained, yet he never asks for more.  I see the shoes that go on his feet everyday as he works for us.  I see the towel hanging on the shower door that he uses over and over and over, so I don't get stuck with a lot of bulky laundry.  Walking through the house I notice he places his keys in the same spot, on the chest in the entryway.  I notice he places his jacket on the same chair in the dining room.  Pay attention and notice the details that make up your spouse.

Lastly....do for them.  Be a servant of sorts for your spouse.  Wash their clothes and just like above, notice the wear and tear due to manual labor.  Cook for them and know they are getting a warm healthy meal.  Make up the bed, because the marriage bed is the most important piece of furniture in the household.  This is the place where you talk and think, plan and dream, laugh and cry, love and hold each other....make it up and make it pretty.  Sweep the floors so they can take their shoes off after a long day and walk barefoot.  Buy them gifts, to let them know you were thinking of them while getting toothpaste and Scrubbing Bubbles. Do for them and be happy about it. Smile and make it real.

I like to think about where he learned to do certain things or why certain habits formed, sometimes.  I like to think of the little boy he started out as and what things have changed inwardly on him since.  I am not a perfect person or wife, nor is he a perfect man or husband, but we are trying, and we will continue to try everyday for the rest of our lives.  I love my husband more now than I did this morning, and will love him even more by this afternoon.  It's a decision...I choose to be crazy in love with my husband and have a fairy tale, forever honeymoon marriage.  I choose to show people how wonderful marriage can be. I choose to make this last.  It's not a job, it's not work, it's a frame of mind.  It's a beautiful frame of mind.

You need to eat more salads.

I don't feel well....I just don't.  Auto immune disorders and cold weather combined are the devil.  I hurt, my skin crawls, I have headaches and I want to sleep right now. So is life.  However, I am making due with little to no complaining (except what was just said), and zero medication.  I'm not sure if you've ever been diagnosed with an auto immune disease, or treated, but let me just explain how the Dr. visit might go down.
Personal experience.....
A skin rash appears on my neck and chest, after being in the sun, which feels like my skin is being chemically peeled off of my body.

Clearly, I make an appointment with the Dermatologist (thinking it's sun poisoning).

They do a biopsy (which I still bear the hideous butcher job scar from), and I go back one week later to find out the results.

You have a rare skin disease called Dariers.  There is only one known treatment and it only suppresses the appearance.

Well duh, I want the treatment.

They bring in an 1/2  inch thick package of papers for you to sign....basically stating, if anything adverse happens to you while taking this drug, they are not responsible.  It's a pill form of Chemo.

No thank you! I'll continue to have my skin crawl.

 Another personal example....
Years of joint pain (literally years...like since I was in middle school) and finally diagnosed with RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis).  Except the medication has more side affects than the disease itself. Including, requiring you to take other medication to treat symptoms brought on from the RA medication.

 Are you kidding me?! Why can't I just have a pulled muscle or something?

 The only saving grace any of my diagnoses hold are: I am diagnosed, so I know how to treat, live, eat and I'M NOT CRAZY (that's a biggie)!!!

So....in finally finding out what the heck was wrong with me, and why I felt like death the majority of the time, and knowing I don't want that stupid medication (sorry for the run-on), I diet, I exercise and I rest.
In doing so, I lost weight, almost immediately actually.  It fell off of me, because I got out of bed. I resisted the urge to lie down and quit.  I resisted the urge to eat the same amount I did before, because over eating made my acid indigestion worse (which I got from years of taking Ibuprofen for the pain....which I haven't had one of in over 8 months).  I resist the urge to eat that huge piece of chocolate cake over eating some fresh fruit because the sugar causes my heart to race while digesting (which I'm sure is related to the mile long list of problems I already have).  I resist the urge to snack constantly, because any additional weight I put on requires me to sleep propped up, due to my acid indigestion (again). I enjoy running, because other wise I become stiff from lack of joint movement.  I enjoy yoga and stretching for the same reason. So, in summary....I try to eat well and live a healthy lifestyle.  I require no meds, and find my pain and discomfort easily manageable and tolerated.  I'm tired, yes.  Don't ask me to help you paint an entire house....I'm lucky to paint two walls in a weekend, in my own house. Don't ask me to be somewhere at 6 am, just no. Also, don't ask me to stay out somewhere after about 10...because I am in the bed. There are major, lifestyle adjustments I have had to make to prolong quality of life with out medication. But I'm doing it, and it's working well.

I say all of this to come to this point.....I'm thin, because I eat right, not because I don't eat. I am 5 foot tall, and an extra 10 pounds on me is very significant....not only because my clothes will no longer fit, but because it will put me in the bed.  I eat right for my health, because I too want to be around for a long time. 

If I had a dime for how many times people offered me food out of pity, or told me I was to thin, or my favorite is "you need to eat a few cheeseburgers", I would be a wealthy woman.  I do not go around telling overweight women they need to eat a salad, nor do I tell people they are fat.  It is the same thing, it is not a nice gesture to point out one's weight of any kind.  Especially, when health wise....I CANNOT have the things you offer. It's a temptation and not nice. I am a perfect weight for my frame and build....so says the Dr. I am petite...which literally means....I am little :). I am very appreciative of everyone's concerns, because it let's me know I am loved.  If you feel you need to feed me, I happen to LOVE fresh pineapple and strawberries.  I also have a hard time turning down those little Cuties....because they are delicious.  Support me in my venture of a healthier lifestyle....join in even (please, you might be surprised at how addictive it is).  Allow me to be happy, healthy and little. 


This blog is brought to you today because of a co-worker that informed me "men like meat, not bones" and I needed to eat the oreo, chocolate chip cookie dough, double fudge brownies she brought in this morning (diabetes in a pan, no thanks), and...it just so happens....my husband thinks I am perfect :).