The Honeymoon Phase

After being married for a year, I guess the "honeymoon" is typically supposed to be over.  However, when we were dating, he asked me one day "do you think it will always be like this? Or do you think we will eventually be like everyone else?"  My response was...."it will ALWAYS be like this, I promise."  For one, there is no possible way we could be like everyone else even if we tried. We're just to different, our relationship and dynamics are very, very rare.  Second, I had a marriage like everyone else once....and it was miserable and ended badly.  It was boring and predictable, ritualistic and non-intimate.  It required entirely to much effort to even remain sane, much less happy.  I refuse to do that again.  I refuse to give all of myself, to the point of losing sight of who I am as an individual, for someone who clearly isn't willing to give any of themselves back to me.  I refuse to raise children with someone that expects me to be the only active parent.  I refuse to let myself go and pretend to be attracted to an out of shape, overweight version of the man that once turned me on. I refuse to let myself forget how to kiss and refuse to have sex out of obligation (because it's my duty as his wife, nope).  I choose love.  I choose laughter.  I choose intimacy.  I choose fairy tale.  I choose a happy, healthy life with my husband.

I've always been told, marriage is hard....it requires a lot of work and compromise.  I've always heard, you won't always be in love with the person, so you have to learn to like them...whether the love part is there at the moment or not.  I've seen people go to counseling.  I've seen people question every move the other makes.  I've known people that dread any sort of physical contact, with their spouse, whatsoever.  You chose them, you loved them, you have to make up your mind that it's going to work....otherwise, go ahead and get an attorney because it's not going to last.  I decided very early on in our relationship, that I wanted him.  I decided that I wanted to be happy with him, for the rest of my life.  With that being said, let me tell you how I have kept the honeymoon on going, and how I will continue to for the rest of our happy, fairy tale, lives together.

First off....life isn't perfect, people can't be perfect, anytime you have ex's involved, your situation will never be perfect.  Don't blame your spouse for things that happen in your life that cannot be controlled.  Example: Say he gets laid off from his job.  Not his fault, the economy is poor, unemployment is up and sometimes life just isn't fair.  DO NOT get angry with him, love each other through it and hold tighter to him than normal.  My husband pays out a ridiculous amount of alimony and child support to his ex.  The judge ruled poorly against him, it's an unfair situation that he had no control over.  I will not hold this over his head when our finances are in the negative, because two wrongs do not make a right, and degrading his worth will not solve anything, but rather drive a wedge right down the middle of our marriage.

Second.....do not focus on things your spouse doesn't do for you, but rather what they do, do for you.  My husband is horrible with birthdays and anniversaries and special dates....he will remember, he just won't remember to get anything or acknowledge it.  However, on almost a daily basis he does other things that mean more than a card on our anniversary.  The other day he changed the sheets on the bed and made the bed up all pretty, placing a rose on my pillow.  He brings home home-decor books from home depot for me when he goes, because he knows I love to look through them.  He bought a pitcher and wine glasses in the color of my kitchen for me one day to place on my shelf.  He sends me random texts telling me he loves me and he's the luckiest man in the world.  He comes home and puts his arms around me EVERY single day!  Those things mean more to me than any thing he could do.  Focus on those things.

Third....focus on their worth as an individual, and who they are as a person, rather than who you want them to be.  Just like you are you, they are themselves.  Just like you do not want to be changed for anyone, neither do they.  My husband gets so upset at the slightest little things....he is Italian, I guess it just comes natural....lots of drama around small situations.  I could very easily say, nope, it's just to much, it stresses me out and I give up.  Instead, I embrace his passion for things and am thankful he isn't just a totem pole of a man with zero emotion or feeling.  I love how he talks to our dogs like a mush, and thinks they need a dog cookie every time they come inside.  I love who he is, and all of the little things that get over looked, that make him who he is.  How he rubs his fingers like he has something on them when he eats....love.  How he loves sweets and almost dies every time I make a dessert....love.  Love them for them, not for you.

Fourth...pray for them always, but mostly when you are mad.  You always need to pray for your spouse. Pray for God to give them strength to make the right decisions, pray for health, pray for positive thoughts and positive things to happen to them.  Pray that you be what they need you to be at certain points in their life.  But even more than any of this, pray for them when you are mad at them.  I adore my husband and we rarely argue, but it does happen sometimes....I just want to tell him how stupid he is and how much I want to smack his stupid face and that he needs to stay on his side of the bed and not touch me.  I found that it makes everything better though, when I don't tell him those things, but rather tell God.  God is very understanding, and it's okay and allowed to vent to Him sometimes.  I tell Him what bothered me and that I want to smack my husbands big stupid face.  I also pray that we resolve it quickly and that He give me the words to talk to my husband with love, rather than anger and name calling. My daddy always said "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."  Don't speak, until you can speak kindly.  Words are like brain ninjas and will mess you up.

Fifth....look at them, really look at them.  I wake up every single morning and look at my husband.  I see the hairs that are starting to turn grey, and the laugh lines that might not have been there a year or so ago.  I look at how his hand still is holding mine, even after sleeping all night.  When I get up and get ready, while in the closet I look at his clothes.  I see the pants he wears to work everyday and see the rips and tears from manual labor.  I see the shirts covered in paint.  I see the shirts he has had for years that are stretched out and stained, yet he never asks for more.  I see the shoes that go on his feet everyday as he works for us.  I see the towel hanging on the shower door that he uses over and over and over, so I don't get stuck with a lot of bulky laundry.  Walking through the house I notice he places his keys in the same spot, on the chest in the entryway.  I notice he places his jacket on the same chair in the dining room.  Pay attention and notice the details that make up your spouse.

Lastly....do for them.  Be a servant of sorts for your spouse.  Wash their clothes and just like above, notice the wear and tear due to manual labor.  Cook for them and know they are getting a warm healthy meal.  Make up the bed, because the marriage bed is the most important piece of furniture in the household.  This is the place where you talk and think, plan and dream, laugh and cry, love and hold each other....make it up and make it pretty.  Sweep the floors so they can take their shoes off after a long day and walk barefoot.  Buy them gifts, to let them know you were thinking of them while getting toothpaste and Scrubbing Bubbles. Do for them and be happy about it. Smile and make it real.

I like to think about where he learned to do certain things or why certain habits formed, sometimes.  I like to think of the little boy he started out as and what things have changed inwardly on him since.  I am not a perfect person or wife, nor is he a perfect man or husband, but we are trying, and we will continue to try everyday for the rest of our lives.  I love my husband more now than I did this morning, and will love him even more by this afternoon.  It's a decision...I choose to be crazy in love with my husband and have a fairy tale, forever honeymoon marriage.  I choose to show people how wonderful marriage can be. I choose to make this last.  It's not a job, it's not work, it's a frame of mind.  It's a beautiful frame of mind.

You need to eat more salads.

I don't feel well....I just don't.  Auto immune disorders and cold weather combined are the devil.  I hurt, my skin crawls, I have headaches and I want to sleep right now. So is life.  However, I am making due with little to no complaining (except what was just said), and zero medication.  I'm not sure if you've ever been diagnosed with an auto immune disease, or treated, but let me just explain how the Dr. visit might go down.
Personal experience.....
A skin rash appears on my neck and chest, after being in the sun, which feels like my skin is being chemically peeled off of my body.

Clearly, I make an appointment with the Dermatologist (thinking it's sun poisoning).

They do a biopsy (which I still bear the hideous butcher job scar from), and I go back one week later to find out the results.

You have a rare skin disease called Dariers.  There is only one known treatment and it only suppresses the appearance.

Well duh, I want the treatment.

They bring in an 1/2  inch thick package of papers for you to sign....basically stating, if anything adverse happens to you while taking this drug, they are not responsible.  It's a pill form of Chemo.

No thank you! I'll continue to have my skin crawl.

 Another personal example....
Years of joint pain (literally years...like since I was in middle school) and finally diagnosed with RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis).  Except the medication has more side affects than the disease itself. Including, requiring you to take other medication to treat symptoms brought on from the RA medication.

 Are you kidding me?! Why can't I just have a pulled muscle or something?

 The only saving grace any of my diagnoses hold are: I am diagnosed, so I know how to treat, live, eat and I'M NOT CRAZY (that's a biggie)!!!

So....in finally finding out what the heck was wrong with me, and why I felt like death the majority of the time, and knowing I don't want that stupid medication (sorry for the run-on), I diet, I exercise and I rest.
In doing so, I lost weight, almost immediately actually.  It fell off of me, because I got out of bed. I resisted the urge to lie down and quit.  I resisted the urge to eat the same amount I did before, because over eating made my acid indigestion worse (which I got from years of taking Ibuprofen for the pain....which I haven't had one of in over 8 months).  I resist the urge to eat that huge piece of chocolate cake over eating some fresh fruit because the sugar causes my heart to race while digesting (which I'm sure is related to the mile long list of problems I already have).  I resist the urge to snack constantly, because any additional weight I put on requires me to sleep propped up, due to my acid indigestion (again). I enjoy running, because other wise I become stiff from lack of joint movement.  I enjoy yoga and stretching for the same reason. So, in summary....I try to eat well and live a healthy lifestyle.  I require no meds, and find my pain and discomfort easily manageable and tolerated.  I'm tired, yes.  Don't ask me to help you paint an entire house....I'm lucky to paint two walls in a weekend, in my own house. Don't ask me to be somewhere at 6 am, just no. Also, don't ask me to stay out somewhere after about 10...because I am in the bed. There are major, lifestyle adjustments I have had to make to prolong quality of life with out medication. But I'm doing it, and it's working well.

I say all of this to come to this point.....I'm thin, because I eat right, not because I don't eat. I am 5 foot tall, and an extra 10 pounds on me is very significant....not only because my clothes will no longer fit, but because it will put me in the bed.  I eat right for my health, because I too want to be around for a long time. 

If I had a dime for how many times people offered me food out of pity, or told me I was to thin, or my favorite is "you need to eat a few cheeseburgers", I would be a wealthy woman.  I do not go around telling overweight women they need to eat a salad, nor do I tell people they are fat.  It is the same thing, it is not a nice gesture to point out one's weight of any kind.  Especially, when health wise....I CANNOT have the things you offer. It's a temptation and not nice. I am a perfect weight for my frame and build....so says the Dr. I am petite...which literally means....I am little :). I am very appreciative of everyone's concerns, because it let's me know I am loved.  If you feel you need to feed me, I happen to LOVE fresh pineapple and strawberries.  I also have a hard time turning down those little Cuties....because they are delicious.  Support me in my venture of a healthier lifestyle....join in even (please, you might be surprised at how addictive it is).  Allow me to be happy, healthy and little. 


This blog is brought to you today because of a co-worker that informed me "men like meat, not bones" and I needed to eat the oreo, chocolate chip cookie dough, double fudge brownies she brought in this morning (diabetes in a pan, no thanks), and...it just so happens....my husband thinks I am perfect :).

A Voice

I teach two nights a week at a local "degree completion" college. Last night the class across the hall from mine was having a guest speaker and asked if we wanted to sit in and listen. My girls that I am teaching are towards the end of their program and will be finishing within the next quarter or so. The students in the class across the hall are new students and the class is a motivation and self confidence class, which is required to graduate. They were talking about how to deal with difficult people, so I felt it a good idea to hear. The class was full and cramped, so my students and I made it to the back of the room and found seats. I've learned that as adult students, coming back to college, they tend to sit up front more often than in the back....I like this, but this is why we had to sit in the back :). I then sat and watched the entire class react to the speaker, respond to her questions and put their opinions on the table for the entire, hour-long presentation. There was one student however, that had only one statement, yet it was so profound I started to cry. The speaker was talking about what might make a person become difficult to deal with. Their raising, an abusive relationship, lack of confidence, all of these were mentioned and brought up. But then she spoke, ever so softly and quietly, that the class actually didn't even hear her, they didn't skip a beat....she said "maybe they just want to be heard, they want to know someone is listening". I heard the desperation in her voice, the lack of confidence as she was overpowered by the girl sitting next to her yelling out "I can't help it if they don't like working the drive thru!" People yelling "that's why you carry a gun", "people all be drama". She was meekly sitting in her seat with her head down, taking notes. I wanted to go up to her and hug her, because I know that feeling. I have fought that feeling my entire adult life. The feeling of being inadequate, of not belonging, of not knowing enough to matter. I feel it, but I fight it. It's a constant thing I am having to reassure myself that I AM good enough, I DO belong, and I AM smart enough that my opinions matter. It actually has made me quite opinionated and outspoken, almost like an overcompensation. I felt for this girl.

We all have an opinion on things, even if we don't exactly know in detail what it is we have an opinion on. We have an opinion on how to cook a steak....I think they are best rare, my husband prefers his almost burnt. We have an opinion on the president, even if it is based on other people's opinion, somehow we came to our opinion. We have an opinion on how to raise OUR kids, and a lot of times this is either very similar to how we were raised or purposefully polar opposite. We have opinions on everyday things in life and maybe we just want someone to hear our opinions. We want to have a voice and be heard. WE WANT TO KNOW SOMEONE IS LISTENING. I thought about this a lot last night and thought about some of the difficult people in my life that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe I'm not listening to their cries, maybe it's just a last resort at being heard. Maybe they really aren't that difficult, they just need someone to say "I understand, I hear you" with a smile.

This girl was a single mother, who was struggling to make ends meet and was living with an abusive boyfriend just long enough to finish school....so her and her son could leave and make it. This girl has lost her voice....she has lost herself....and lost the confidence it takes to survive this world. However, she is a survivor and a warrior. She will make it, she will do fine, she will find her voice again, and I hope her son realizes what a powerful woman his mother is....even with her quiet and meek demeanor.

There was a movie awhile back titled "The Help", huge blockbuster....and amazing story line. In it was a quote...."You is kind. You is smart. You is important." How powerful such small words can be, and see how unimportant grammar is (I don't like grammar Nazi's)? We are born, we live, we survive, we die. That's the circle of life. Along the way, hopefully we find ourselves and LIVE not just survive, but truly live. Hopefully we find our voice, our own opinions and realize we are somebody, we are important and we're all in this together....just wanting to be heard.

MY NY Style Cheesecake

My husband loves cheesecake. I mean, it's almost an intimate relationship between him and the cheesecake when he sits down to have a piece. And...being a New Yorker, clearly he prefers the New York Style Cheesecake, not the Jell-o brand that whips up in 5 minutes. So...being the "always aiming to please" wife that I am, I learned how to make a New York Style Cheesecake. I have went through about 6 different recipes to perfect what I now call "My Cheesecake", because each recipe yielded something different, but had a unique quality that we liked and desired. The baking time and temperature has been the hardest tweek, and quite frankly...given a different oven, would need to be tweeked again. It's such a trial and error process with me and cooking. I like to make things easy and quickly, so I always try to find shortcuts around every recipe. This is the one recipe I can't find a shortcut around. You just can't make this quickly. Don't try....it won't happen. It requires prep time and planning time. It also requires you to make it the day before you actually need it. It is a huge pain in the butt recipe and even a little costly. With that being said, it is so worth it. It's so rewarding when you pull out your perfect, golden, stand a fork up in it cheesecake, that holds all the flavor, sweetness and creaminess of the city that we all love, The Big Apple. Each time I make it and we take that first bite, things get quiet. It takes us back to that deli in Manhattan, where each piece is the size of my face and you can't help but eat the whole, wonderful thing. So anyway...here is the recipe. This is OUR favorite, but may not be yours. We don't like the lemon in ours, nor do we like the crustless kind. To each, their own. Enjoy!

You will need....

Spring form pan
Aluminum foil
Another pan that the spring form pan will fit into
And a stand up mixer

1 1/4 cups of graham cracker crumbs....however you want to go about getting them. I use the crumbs in the box, it just makes life easier.
1/3 cup of melted butter


4-8 oz.containers of cream cheese (room temperature)(I use the 1/3 less fat just to try and make this even a little bit less horrible for me)
4-eggs (room temperature)
8 oz. or 1 cup of sour cream (room temperature)(I've learned to use the real thing here, not the light....it makes a difference)
1 1/3 cups of sugar
3/4 cup of milk (room temperature)
1/4 cup of self-rising flour
1 TBSP of vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 450F.
Grease your spring form pan or spray with a non-stick cooking spray.
Mix your butter and graham cracker crumbs together and press into the bottom of your pan.
Wrap your pan in aluminum foil, making sure to cover the bottom and half-way up the sides.
Mix your ingredients together...add them one by one...cream cheese and sugar first.
Mix until creamy and little to no lumps and pour into your prepared pan.
Place spring form pan into the other pan and pour water into the larger pan creating a "bain marie" which literally is like a bath for your cheesecake. This helps it rise and keep it from sticking.
Bake at 450 for about ten minutes.
Then lower the temperature to 200F and bake for two hours.
Then raise the oven back up to about 325 to 350 and bake for another 30 minutes.
You will have to keep an eye on it more at this point, because it will rise considerably and brown quickly.
DO NOT OPEN THE OVEN WHILE ITS BAKING! I can't promise you no cracks in your cheesecake (because it depends on your oven, your products, and your humidity), but I can promise you it will crack if you keep opening up the oven to check or adjust your cheesecake. And I don't mean a small little crack on the side, I mean a grand canyon across your entire cheesecake that you cannot fix.
Once you are happy with the color and it doesn't jiggle to much when you walk across the floor in front of the oven (haha), go ahead and shut off the oven and prop open the oven door for about 2 hours.
Then sit on the counter for about another 2 hours to finish cooling.
Then wrap with plastic wrap and place in the refrigerator overnight.

It's so good with anything you want to put on it(strawberries, blackberries, raspberries), but why mess with perfection?

ENJOY!

My last name....

I was reminiscing today about the mishaps and wild road that led to marrying my precious husband. It was probably the strangest and most dramatic romance I have yet to encounter, yet I knew I was his the moment his lips met mine and there was nothing short of death that was going to change that. It was actually a scary time because it was quite the fatal attraction. I had never felt so vulnerable and fragile. I had always been in control in my relationships and not easily hurt. But this was different, he was different.


We met at work, which is quite the no no.....so we agreed to keep it just friendly and flirty and the occasional date, but nothing serious and no one should know. Well I guess very quickly people noticed, because as secretive as we were, you couldn't hide the chemistry and attraction. So, I decided to call it off (me being in control). I even started dating someone else. In the meantime he went a little off the deep end. He was texting me constantly, day and night, he would tell me how much he needed me, then tell me how mad he was and he was going to quit his job so he didn't have to see me everyday. It was horrible. Because as much as I was separated from the situation, I was still very much infatuated with him. I was almost to the point where I was going to get a restraining order against him, when one night I had a change of heart and let him come over to plea his case and talk things out. He got there around 9:30 and I went to open the door on the carport and let him in and he kissed me, there was no warning, no hesitation, just grabbed me and kissed me. I can remember looking into his eyes afterwards and knew that was it, I was completely done. It wasn't that it was the most amazing kiss I had ever experienced, it wasn't how he went about it, it wasn't even that he was so hot (hehehe). It was just that I knew that was who I was meant to kiss for the rest of my life.


The next few months were a blur and happened very quickly. There was still drama from ex's and there was drama at work that we had to deal with. There was the fact that my parents weren't thrilled with my choice. There was a lot of negative swarming our budding romance. I wanted out of the situation, but couldn't let him go. I was struggling still and being very fickle with committing, when one day he said "don't you know I'm in love with you?" A statement so simple, yet so strong and quite frankly the glue that held us together. It wasn't much longer and he looked at my badge one day and said "your name needs to be changed." :) Again, with the power of words we stayed together for a little bit longer. We endured criticism and harassment like you wouldn't believe. We were broke and unable to actually go on a date for what seemed like forever. I would cook for him and he would come over for dinner every night. He was negative and grumpy, but I adored him. The relationship seemed doomed, yet we kept on. It wasn't even a year after we met, that we got married at a little chapel by ourselves. I don't even have a picture of us from our wedding day. I remember exactly what we both had on though, and where his hand was on my back. I remember the way the church smelled and how I almost puked all over him (he doesn't know about that part). I remember him looking me in the eyes when he said his vows and how he grinned when I said mine. It's a very sweet memory, one that I will cherish forever. We have had drama, we have had negativity, we have had a couple knock down drag outs that I was certain was the end of us, but I love that man. I love him more than I knew possible. And through everything, life still seems more still and complete with him, then it ever has before.


I noticed my badge today.....he changed my name :). Thank God for that.