It's raining here in Tennessee this morning. I always get super emo and thoughtful on rainy days. I am definitely one of those people that the weather affects their moods. Sunshine makes me happy, rain makes me think about life, storms make me want to stand on the porch and throw my arms open wide and scream......I guess I've been like that my entire life. Anyway, back to what I was saying.....
I think a lot on rainy days. My mind can't help it, it wanders away from me, into dark, damp places in the back of my mind that I keep hidden when the sunshine is out. This morning is no different. However, I realized something about myself today....although I'm thoughtful, my thoughts are more controlled and more cheerful. I tend to reflect instead of dwell. I reminisce instead of regret. And today I was reflecting on what brought about this change in thought, or when did this change occur.
I happened to remember something else too, because that's what I do on rainy days is think and remember.....I remembered starting a blog in 2010 titled "Gracefully Learning" and the entire premise of this blog was to change my way of thinking and my way of life. I was living in constant turmoil, whether it be against myself, my parents, my job, my boyfriend at the time.....mostly it was about how I was living though. I only posted two posts on that blog, because my mind was all over the place and couldn't stay focused on one subject long enough to be worthwhile. However, I found it and read those two posts this morning. Let me share the first post.......
" So I decided something today, or yesterday,
or maybe years ago, but I decided I need peace. Who doesn't want peace
right? I feel as if I have been working against myself at obtaining this
for awhile now. I have been struggling trying to find a better job,
trying to get that house that I want, trying to find the perfect man. I have
yet to sit still and allow myself to breathe. I have been searching for
financial peace, spiritual peace, social peace, and any other kind
available. In searching, I have missed so much. I have missed time with
Grace, rest, trips and friendships. I have been stressed, broke and flat
out mental. I quit! And in saying that I realize it sounds as if I
am quitting life, or am going to quit trying. I simply am quitting the
search.
The definition of peace is......
1. (noun) peace
the state prevailing during the absence of war
2. (noun) peace
harmonious relations; freedom from disputes
"the roommates lived in peace
together"
3. (noun) peace,
peacefulness, peace of mind, repose, serenity, heartsease, ataraxis
the absence of mental stress or anxiety
My favorite is the first definition, the state prevailing during the absence
of war. I feel as if the last seven years of my life have been all out
war, and I, in the front line, have simply been trying to survive. So I
have come up with a plan. Instead of searching for peace, solitude
and stillness, I am going to learn it. I am going to
teach myself how to be still and enjoy life, not just my life, but all
life. Starting today I am going to change my life, goals,
perceptions and expectations of everything. Starting today I will
hopefully be on my way to learning peace.
Every month I will give up one
thing; This maybe toxic food, technology, shopping, bad
relationships, etc., really anything that might cloud my mind and
allow negativity into my life. I will then replace it with something
I enjoy that will help me grow as a person, bring long lasting
happiness, or be an instrument in my twelve month cleanse of the
American Dream. Or just something I have always wanted to do.
Examples are learning new hobbies that involve God, nature, or
actual physical activities, trips, volunteering, new ways of doing
everyday things. On my way trough this next year of exploration,
studying, sacrificing, and pretty much experimentation, I hope to grow a deeper
connection and understanding with the life I have been blessed with. I
spiritually want to grow as close as possible with God through prayer, but also
through learning the world around us, and the affects I as an individual have
on the grand scheme of things. I want to find the beauty in the Earth God
has created for us, and attempt to slowly transform my life to live the way He
intended. This is going to be a slow, long, and trying process.
Gotta start somewhere though, right? "
This was such a refreshing treasure to find, because I'll tell you....I have stuck with this. Since 2010 I have completely quit all drinks with sugar in them (even juices), it's water, unsweetened tea or black coffee. I try to eat as many good fats and whole foods as possible. Not only have I become more wise about eating, but I have become more conscious about my actions. I try to speak intentionally. I try to react to things with grace. I have picked up yoga. I have picked up school. I fell in love and married. I am more patient and kind. I have focused on certain relationships that lacked in the past, and nourished them. I have poured myself into my marriage and my role as Gracie's mother. I have quit standing on the side lines waiting for the coach to put me in and me make the winning touchdown and live happily ever after. I have learned that it takes practice and training and persistence. Life is not hard most of the time. There is not constant turmoil. Love and marriage is actually quite easy if you quit comparing and competing. I actually just told my husband last night that this marriage thing was my favorite part about life. I don't compete with him. I give to him and love him, if he gives to me and loves me back that's awesome....if he doesn't, oh well, I keep on giving and loving him.
So....I'm not very emo today, very thoughtful and thankful, but not emo. Gracefully learning this thing called life, and pretty content with the outcome at the moment.
