If you're a parent, you already know, there is no greater love than that which you have for your child. There is no man, no friend, no job, no amount of money, not even other family that can change that. If you're not a parent, I'm telling you, it's more than your heart can bear. With that being said, let me also say, there is no job quite as difficult. It's just hard, especially when you're learning yourself. What is good for them to eat? Do I wash this on hot or cold? Sneeze in your elbow not your hands. Brush your teeth. Don't talk back to me. Pull your pants up. Brush your hair. I will wear you out if I ever hear you say that again. Etc...etc...etc.....it's constant. I feel so often like all I do is get onto my daughter. All I do is correct her and tell her to do something differently. I go to bed every night questioning my parenting abilities....am I doing right by her, or just impatient and easily aggravated? Now there is a different issue added onto the situation, step-siblings. I love my step kids and would fight for them and protect them just as if they were my own. However, there is a difference between them and Grace. I try really hard for everyone not to be able to notice that there is a difference, but I also have to balance the fact that she needs to know that I have her back.....no matter what. I need her to know that I am HER mama, I am HER security guard and HER cheerleader. But....I don't want her taking advantage or rubbing it in anyone's face that, that is the case. It's such a difficult thing to balance. I don't want my step kids to feel shunned, but even more importantly, I don't want my child to feel shunned. And although, in disciplining her I feel I am very consistent and would be the same way if it was just her and I.....it's not just her and I anymore, so in her eyes I'm strict and evil because of the new added family.
It's just a hard situation. No matter how good the situation is, it is impossible to be a perfect situation, due to that's just not how it's supposed to be. There aren't supposed to be step parents or step siblings. There's not supposed to be divorce. But...there is and it is just how life goes sometimes. Kids are the one's to suffer though, truly. I mean I'm not suffering.....I got rid of my ex, married the man of my dreams and get to spend forever in his arms instead of depression and loneliness. But the kids, the kids get shuffled around, back and forth between the two people they love most in the whole world. They have to endure harsh comments regarding the "other" parent and hold it in. They have to adjust to living with people that they didn't choose....step family. They have to share "their" stuff and "their" family with people that just decided to show up. I get it, I do. However, here's the other part that no one sees.....coming from a single mother's point of view.
It was a loveless marriage, in fact most nights we slept in separate beds. There was no communication, no physical contact, no support. I won't go into why it actually ended, because unlike most people, I don't want my daughter to know the messy details of why her father and I just cannot be, but I will say it had to end.....if for nothing else but what was left of my self esteem and sanity. It was a rough end, I'm not sure it can ever go smoothly, but it didn't. There were a lot of harsh words said that are not easily forgiven. There was a lot of fingers pointing and blaming. There was anger and disappointment. There was depression and struggles with addiction. There was the need to feel something. The need to feel wanted. The need to feel like I could sleep without holding one eye open. The desire to belong to someone and something real. It sucked. Divorce sucks for everyone. I would date and find someone who seemed compatible enough to actually attempt something, then I would feel guilty for feeling anything for anyone other than her father, so I would call it off. I would start fights just because that is what I was used to, and I didn't know how to have a normal relationship. Many nights I would fall asleep crying and praying that I just wanted to leave this town so I didn't have to run into any of the women that he "befriended". I automatically assumed the worst out of everyone, which doomed everything from the beginning. It was a long road of "self exploration" that no one prepared me for, and that no one could help me with. I felt more alone and more insignificant than any woman should ever feel in her lifetime. During this time, not only was I not living up to the potential I had as an individual, I also was not living up to the potential I had as a mother. I wasn't able to play and nurture, like every little girl desperately needs her mommy to be able to do. I wasn't able to cuddle and sing, because quite frankly I wanted to be alone and miserable so I could wallow in my own misery. I wasn't able to take fun trips to amusement parks or shopping sprees because I was a single mother struggling to pay the bills. I was struggling to get out of bed in the morning, craft making and doll house playing would have been a miracle.
It was a time in my life that as soon as it started, I started trying to pull myself out of it. I didn't want to be at that point. I didn't want to be miserable and depressed. I wanted happy, I wanted to play, I wanted to sing and cuddle and I wanted to live again. It was a slow process, but I managed to come back to reality at some point. I managed to smile more, sleep better, laugh louder and hold my head a little higher. It was at that point that I found my inner strength and knew what I personally was capable of. I was a strong independent woman. That's when I found my husband.....I guess confidence is attractive. We dated, and for the first time I didn't feel guilty. I didn't feel the need to argue with him, I just enjoyed his company. It worked, him and I worked....and are still working till this day. It's a good and healthy relationship, without pressure or expectations....just companionship, loyalty and love.
Now.....this is where we get into the part where she is having to "share" me. My daughter is having to cope with step family and new rules. She is having to learn new people and their personalities. Remember I understand this sucks for her....it's a hard thing to ask someone so little to do. However, I also know that I now play more. Her and I spend more quality, HAPPY time together. She has a step sibling to play with on the weekends, so now she's not bored. It's girls against boys when we play CandyLand, Scrabble or volleyball. I cook every night and we sit around the table, as a family and talk and laugh and solve all the World's issues. I tuck her in her bed every night and tell her I love her and we smile and hug. We share secrets. We clean her room together. We walk around the block occasionally when weather permits. Her and I are happier together than we have been in a long time. This is a direct effect from me being happy. I am content and put together. I am able to be a better mother, because someone else is helping me with life. I realize that makes me sound very dependent on my husband and having someone there to support me. I don't care. I'm not being supported, WE are supporting each other. WE are building a future together, Grace included, his kids included. WE are a family.....a new kind of family.....a blended family. It's hard, but it's easier than it was before. There's a lot of love, and God knows that covers a multitude of difficulties.
